I've been going through this phase lately, and by lately I mean the past week, where I feel like I'm pinching pennies in the wrong areas. I know that the World Race is supposed to be about sacrifice and denying ourselves the common comforts that we've grown accustomed to in order to serve a world in need, but I have always been a free giver. I rather enjoy it. I've taken the "What Are Your Spiritual Gifts" test on a few occassions, and each time GIVING is at the top of the list. But now, when I think about the sacrifices that I've made and the lifestyle changes that will automatically come with them, my gift of giving was requiring a little more thought and effort. It wasn't as free. And I hated feeling that way. Especially when I was finally becoming comfortable with the notion that I am free to be me and loving that freedom. I once had someone tell me not to harness the gifts that God has given me. This is who I am and how God made me, and I was hating the fact that I felt I needed to pull back.
Case In Point:
I have a roommate. And we've always shared the common items of the house (like toilet paper, paper towels, washing detergent, liquid soap, etc). No questions asked, no verbal agreements made, it was just natural and accepted. We recently ran out of TP so I picked some up at the store. I usually get the big 36 – 48 roll packages. Even when I was living alone, I never worried about getting tons of toilet paper because I knew I'd eventually go through it all. So this time as I'm heading home, that feeling of uncertainty came over me (I hate that feeling, btw). I started pondering, "maybe I shouldn't put this toilet paper in the public closet. Maybe I just keep it in my room for my bathroom only. I am jobless, after all. Never know when I'll need toilet paper and won't be able to afford it. My roommate doesn't even have to know that I purchased some. She'll just see that we're out and end up getting some herself."
The longer the thought lingered, the more I began feeling sick. And then came … THE CONVICTION.
SN: Thank God for the Holy Spirit's conviction!!
In that moment, the Lord began convicting me for even THINKING of being so selfish and inconsiderate. Those were definitely not thoughts of love, and they definitely did not come from Him. Then he reminded me that my job was NEVER my provider, but it has, since the beginning of time, been Him who has provided for my every need. It was Him who gave me wisdom to get a job in the first place (Deuteronomy 8:18)! He lovingly told me that just because my situation has changed, doesn't mean He has. He has always been, and always will be, Jehovah Jireh … My Lord Who Provides. And here I am contemplating becoming a TP Hoarder, smh. That is crazy on so many levels!
In the midst of it all, He is teaching me what it really means to trust Him and have faith. Sure, I'll have to cut back from many of the luxuries that I'm used to. Sure, I'll have to change from name brand to generic brand. Sure, I'll have to choose to stay in at times when everyone else is going out. But none of that means that I have to change the person who God created me to be and whom I've grown to love. I've always had the "If I have, we have" mentality and I'm not going to change that now. Especially over a roll of toilet paper, it is not that serious!! LOL.
It's amazing the little lessons that arise out of everyday life. I'm grateful for all of them.
