The first two days were all about intimacy with My Father.
Unlike my normal extroverted-self, I avoided people and distractions at all costs. I woke up to the sun. Then, I spent the day admiring His creation, listening to His voice, and digging deep into His word.
I read Song of Solomon over and over again. For the first time, I saw this book as a love story between Christ and His bride (me). As His words washed over me, I truly felt his love cover me from head to toe.
Day 3 and 4 were a little more intense, and a conversation with my leader on Wednesday left me feeling vulnerable, frustrated, and humbled.
Through this conversation the Lord opened a door that had been closed and locked for YEARS. It felt as though there was so much junk behind the door that as soon as the doorknob was turned, all the clutter erupted into the hall.
I stood there staring at all of it—the lies of not being good enough, the insecurities that negatively effected the people around me, the extra burdens of trying to be perfect, the false identities placed in worldly things, the broken relationships/ friendships caused by my pride and jealousy.
The baggage was no longer in hiding. It was a mess… I was a mess.
My heart broke as I surveyed at all the junk I had accumulated throughout my life. It broke as I reflected back on the people it affected. It broke as I thought about how it took the place of God so many times.
My journal read, “The things he said are truth, but they hurt. My heart’s desire was never to cause pain to others or myself, but that’s exactly what I’ve done for the past 25 years. The pride, the need for attention, and the false identities must go. It’s not about me anymore… Daddy, IM SORRY!… I need a heart change. I want a heart change. I no longer want people to see me, but I want them to see you!”
For the next 36 hours, I wrestled with the Lord. My heart’s desire was to get rid of everything, but my flesh wanted to keep some things that comforted me.
How do I let go of things I have been holding onto for years?
In the midst of the battle for my soul, the Lord reassured me.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness.,. and speak tenderly to her.” – Hosea 2:14
While walking me through the good and bad of my life, He reminded me of His love.
He showed me He was there even during the times when I ignored His love. He was there when I chased after the temporary satisfaction. When I felt all alone, He was there.
In this moment, He was restoring a daughter’s heart back to her Father. He was showing me my true identity- being His daughter!
“And He will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers…” –Malachi 4:6
… But the story doesn’t end there. The final part still to come…
