Our ministry host challenged us to look at ministry with fresh eyes this month. In the midst of our month’s “actual” ministry of planning and running VBS and Youth Club programs, he took us to the town plaza and taught us Arnis (“are-niece”), an ancient form of Filipino martial arts, with hopes of starting conversations with those watching us, he taught us how to give acupressure massages, so we can minister to our squad mates as we travel, and he arranged for us to play an exhibition basketball game with a local men’s team, which allowed us to turn the nation’s most popular sport into a ministry platform. He also challenged the team to write a book.
I didn’t really know what to write about for my chapter, and if I am honest, I didn’t really want to write anything. I reread old blog posts hoping to get inspiration. Turns out, there is a common theme that has followed me throughout my World Race. It’s clear what God wants me to work through this year.
[In the book, I shared text from the “About Me” section of my blog and the following blog posts in their entirety: “Hard Things, Growth, and Beauty;” “Demolishing the Stronghold of Insecurity;” “The Weight of Words” before continuing with what’s below.]
I don’t like that I struggle with insecurity. I’m 32 years old and I feel like I should know better by now, like I should have my stuff together, but I don’t, and I’m ashamed of it.
I also don’t like that I’m making this public knowledge online in my blog and in a book. It makes me uncomfortable. But that’s the thing about living in community and being vulnerable. Hiding my secret struggles won’t help me grow into the person I was created to be. And continuing to hide my struggles won’t help others who may be struggling with insecurities grow into who they were created to be either. We need each other.
Digging deeper into my insecurities with Christ and my teammates in order to find total healing just makes me want to hide in a book or behind my computer. I didn’t expect to regress in my security in Christ while on the Race. I know it’s really God taking me deeper in relationship with Him, but it feels like I’m regressing, and if I don’t accept the challenges of working through things with people who love me and are willing to fight with me, then I truly will regress.
Because of God’s work on the cross, I have forgiveness not only of the sins of my past but also the sin that currently wars within my heart and holds me captive. God demonstrated his undeniable love for me on that day, but he will not force me to love him in return. The choice to love God is mine and mine alone, and it’s one that I must make every single day and in every single circumstance.
This year is about learning to see myself the way God sees me, which means seeing myself as His beloved. It also means extending myself the same kindness, compassion, encouragement, and patience that I seek to give others. As I love and value others, I need to learn how to love and value myself as well.
