I am two months into preparations for the Race, and it is HARD! I don’t like it. Yes, the Race is both exciting and terrifying, but right now, I’m firmly camped on the terrified side. I’m already so far out of my comfort zone, I just want to curl up and cry. I want to quit.
I don’t like money. I don’t like asking people for it, and I don’t like spending large amounts of it on few items that I may or may not need.
I don’t like the idea of leaving life as I know it – especially when I feel things are just getting good and I’m excited about where God has me.
I don’t like the thought of leaving my house church and dear friends and missing out on a year of their lives. We have supported and encouraged each other as we’ve walked through some hard, ugly, and very painful stuff. They have been my family when relationships with my blood family were damaged or non-existent. I really don’t like that I am not guaranteed to come back to them.
I don’t like the thought of leaving my family. Even though we are broken and fail each other often, there have been beautiful moments of reconciliation and growth. I don’t want to leave my brother; he’s my favorite person, and I want to be here for him as he walks through trials he’s facing. I don’t want to leave my mom as we rebuild our relationship. And I don’t want to go on the Race if leaving means my dad stops talking with me for the foreseeable future.
All of these things and more make me want to hide in a corner and cry.
They are vices pulling and twisting my insides.
BUT… despite all of these things I don’t like, I want Jesus more. I want to press on, leaning into God as he leads me through each situation that makes me cower. Challenges are opportunities for growth, and I want to experience Christ like never before.
I know the costs of following Christ on the Race are great.
But He is greater, and He’s worth it.
