The mission field is possibly one of the most romanticized positions in the world today. This drives me crazy. It is not about those obnoxious posts of us holding foreign babies, which I can be just as guilty of getting sucked into. And as missionaries, part of our duty is to alert our supporters and others about what we are doing and why we do it. So it is very easy to get caught up in the pretty filters or stories of victory and healings. We are the hands and feet of an amazing God and by nature we want to give the people what they want to hear. I love what I do and I know without a doubt this is what I was called to do at the present time. But the truth is this job is messy and unattractive more often then not. Here is my version of the ugly side.
My great grandmother passed away this past week upon arriving in India. I cried and wanted to be home, if I had still been in Europe I would have bought a flight for sure. A couple days after, my little brother turned thirteen and I missed it despite his heartbreaking message that said all he wanted was for me to be home. I got discouraged. I disregarded all of the hope I have shared the past four months for my own selfish desires.
Matthew 8:20-22 But Jesus replied ‘Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head.’ Another of his disciples said, ‘Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.” But Jesus told him, “Follow me now. Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead.”
People turn from faith because of verses like this. We hate it because it isn’t what we want to hear. Because everyone wants to be a warrior until it is time to fight. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to be with family, mine in particular is my world and I love and miss them more everyday. But how quickly I forgot that God already knew this would happen, there aren’t any surprises. And how soon my pride consumed me and told me that I needed to be there, that I could fix everything and that I was what they needed. When in actuality the day I left I trusted the same God I followed to watch over the ones that I love, just as they trust in Him to protect me.
How fast I started wishing I could get in my car and just drive with the music up the way I love to. Asking myself why I was here when I could be at the gym or back at work making money. This is what’s important right? It took a few days before I could laugh at my stupidity. One more storm was all it took for me to doubt my current path and long for comforts I once ran from because they were not fulfilling. They can’t fill a void that was directly placed in my heart by God for God. It is easy to be the good person when everything is going how we want it to go, I came here to do the dirty work. Left unguarded heart quickly told me that all the people I encouraged were not enough, that every prayer I have spoke did nothing, that the manual labors my hands pursued would never amount to anything. I am not proud of this.
We are not heroes out here saving the world. I am just as broken and in need of Christ as anyone, if not more. My duty is to spread the gospel and fill others up with His love. To do this there has to be slow days and down time, time to fill up and refuel. Personally, I want to go out and make miracles everyday to glorify my stories. That’s not the way it works. That’s not how life works either. We are a generation of here and now, when something is broke we throw it out and replace it.
I want real and I am a work in progress. I pray and teach, give my time, energy and finances. I love well and seek to be a blessing every chance I get. However enduring the real means being patient, quiet and still sometimes and my ego is not a fan of that. This is a taste of what it’s really like though. I don’t just wake up everyday smiling and baptizing the nations. I am a flawed and sinful… just the way I was created to be. I am only human. But once your real with yourself God can work through you to do His work. This can be very unromantic and ugly.
