I am wearing denim capris and a medium jade-green ribbed sleeveless shirt that captures every feminine curve of my torso perfectly. The last time I wore this combination was six years ago. Back then, the mustard yellow cardigan I wear now would be traded for a khaki 3/4 sleeved jacket; my flops traded for a pair of wedges the same khaki color; and I wore a pair of earrings I hand-made of green Swarofskis crystals whose color matched the very shade of my eyes perfectly.
I had driven to North Carolina to meet him- the halfway point between my school and his hometown. When he embraced me he brought me close then held me at a distance. “You are beautiful”. . . It seems like a life-time ago. It seems like yesterday. And now our lives are so different. Though both of us are roaming the world pursuing our passions and living our dreams, our ambitions have led us down completely different roads. I would definitely not be where I am now if our cards were dealt differently . . . I can’t even imagine what it would be like. Thankfulness and sadness mix together and I drink them down- a bitter potion used to make me well.
And here I sit in a beautiful exotic restaurant-a perfect place for a first date- and I remember the day I wore these clothes years before. The Asian cuisine, the flirting, his affinity for sushi and the plates we’ve shared in times past. Is that when I started liking sushi too? I feel like so much of the me today was birthed out of the time I spent loving him. Gah! Why am I thinking of this so much today?!
And here I sit in this beautiful restaurant with a longing to move on from these infrequent memories of him for good. My real longing is to meet him. The him who will cause my heart to beat faster than he did. The him whose touch will send a stronger electric shock coursing through my veins than his did. The him who I was created for, and though I loved him first, I do not believe he is him. I sit here thinking what a first date with him might be like in the midst of this beauty that surrounds me now. And I breathe out a silent prayer . . .
I want love Lord, true and deep and passionate. I want affection and pursuit and holiness. I want to feel that electricity again. Lord, . . .
But as I sit and think about what was or what could have been, the overwhelming emotion is gratitude. I am thankful I didn’t wait around for him- or even for him- in order to start living. So far my 28 years have been full and adventurous; filled with the companionship of Christ who is completely faithful, especially on the occasional night that feels lonely. My obedience to the call of the Lord has reaped a sweeter and more fulfilling harvest in my heart than my time spent with him.
And as I sit here Jesus himself reassures my heart- he is coming Kristen- reminding me of Romans 8: Now hope that is seen is no hope, for who hopes for what he sees, but if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. In the recesses of my heart I hear the Lord asking me if I will allow him to continue pursuing me with greater depths of His love in the meantime while I wait patiently for him whom the Lord is bringing.
My answer is simply
“yes Jesus, I will.”
