Years ago I met a boy. We met at a church “thing.” That weekend I fell head-long over heels in love with him- the first time that had ever happened to me. Uh Oh!! The dreaded first love story. You know this story won’t have a happy ending! . . . but stick with me.
I remember the exact moment I decided I loved him too:
And that was it. That did it- Love. Yup, he and I were getting married.
Talking and flirting is how we spent the rest of the evening. Then it was time to for me to go. I said good bye and walked away, but he chased me down the aisle of the sanctuary to ask for my phone number and email address. Calm. Collected. I gave them to him. But on the inside, I was elated.
For years we were friends. We checked in on each other regularly. He called every year on my birthday, Christmas and New Year. We talked on the phone, but emails were more consistent. We’d write about lots of things: the Lord, siblings, ice cream, summer days, and dirt bikes. I cherished lazy days by the pool and time with family. He played guitar and loved music.
One night he called me randomly. Said he was outside praying and the Lord put me on his heart. The Lord told him he should call me. . . . He talked me out of joining the Navy that night. I went to bed mad at the Lord. He knew I was joining the Navy to run away from this boy! You see, he and I were friends, but I loved him and was growing more discontent with that. Why would He have him call me?! It didn’t seem fair.
It was only a year or two later that he and I became a little more than friends, but so much remained undefined. For the most part that didn’t matter to me- unless I really stopped to think about it. But more than anything, I was lost in this new-found attention. All I knew was that I didn’t want it to end. It didn’t matter how crowded the room we were standing in; he always made me feel like it was reserved for just he and I. I was the envy of many young ladies, and when we walked hand in hand I stood taller just to flaunt it. But the “beauty” I exuded was superficial, impure, and faked. I was not at rest. I was striving; working so hard to be all that I thought he wanted me to be. I was fearful of losing him.
And just as so many relationships do when you are young and naive, without any real knowledge of how to communicate, our relationship ended in a messy cluster—-.
I was devastated. Walking away from that wreckage, I was desperate to feel loved. This led me down a path of promiscuity; something he and I never talked about, but something I always had a feeling he knew about me. These escapades ended when I was raped. After that I really hated men, but eventually bitterness and frustration flowed out away from my heart as love and forgiveness flowed in. I began to turn my life around and get my eyes focused back on the Lord.
On the World Race the Lord deep cleaned my heart. He gathered up all my brokenness and when I was sure there was nothing beautiful left in me, he showed me there still was. I was not “used goods.” I was a daughter. I was not a whore. I was redeemed. I was brand new. God released me to radiate a true beauty that He put inside me. It’s a beauty that invites people to rest; that inspires; that is gentle and quiet and kind; not striving, not fake and not superficial. The freedom and emotional healing God released in me, is the same healing that he was now asking me to bring to other girls.
I had been gone for over a year. So much had changed in my life and his. I was eager to hear about it. I had been praying for him consistently while I was away- I knew God was moving in him and through him. And I just knew we weren’t the same people. As I told him so many years ago, I was now destined for the mission field. I would be moving to Cambodia after the summer. And he . . . well, I knew exciting things were happening for him too.
But he has known nothing of the rape, the wreckage or the beautiful redemption. He’s only ever seen me striving; working for his approval. He’s never seen me at rest, nor ever seen the beauty within that was burried so far down when he and I were together.
I was hoping the same restoration and redemption that I felt in my own life could seep into our shaken little friendship. I went to see him with those intentions.
In my head it played out so differently. It always does. In my head we spoke. We smiled. We laughed. We encouraged each other. Then we blessed one another and walked our separate ways. The end of a large chapter in my life would come and we would both move forward. Closure would accompany a closed door.
Instead, the Lord just kicked the door closed, and I just had to walk away. I don’t like it, nor do I understand it. But eventually I will learn to accept it. In the meantime, I will keep praying for him and asking God to pour out a blessing on his life until there is no more need. I have been set free to love like Jesus does and moving forward means continuing to do so with him and with everyone the Lord brings into my path.
It’s fitting that this chapter should finally come to an end in 2011. This year marks 7 since we first met at that church “thing”- the Lord’s number for completion. And now I move forward with excitement for what God has in store in Cambodia with the words of Paul fresh on my heart. . . .
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own because Christ has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 12-14
