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 There is now therefore, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. . .
 

2/16/2010:

God, I have spent so much of my time, the majority of my life, saying that I am not selfish, trying to go to battle with those accusations, but I came to a realization that I was! I have tried to live contra to that and have the mind of Christ and truly fight it in my spirit, and tonight I realize I have had NO success at all! Where is the victory that we have in Christ?! I have not tried to give these negative impressions of myself and this is the very impression my teammates have of me! . . .(yada, yada, yada, I write my interpretations of my team’s perceptions of me during a “feedback” exercise that we did, here in this space. It will remain private) Lord, how did I get so far off mark?! How far I am from the gentle and quiet spirit in 2 Peter. This is not my heart or my desire! It is for this very reason I feel I am your vessel of wrath Lord! –don’t ask. Stupid lie from Satan that I believe no more. Ridiculous right?! that I would ever believe it, but alas, I have entertained the thought in the past . . . okay, moving on . . .  Because no matter how hard I try I hear the same, same, same message- SELFISH. INWARD FOCUSED. SELF-CENTERED. STUBBORN. OPINIONATED. COMPLAINER. SELFISH. SELFISH. SELFISH! My heart breaks Lord. What a horrible representation of you. I never meant to represent you this way. God Change me! Change me! I DO NOT WANT TO STAY THE SAME. I DON’T WANT TO STAY THIS WAY. I DON’T WANT TO BE GIVING OFF THESE IMPRESSIONS! I AM TOO WEAK! I CANNOT CHANGE MYSELF. I DESIRE TO QUIT THIS SELF-CENTERED FLESH! I NEED YOU! Lord, you say there is no condemnation in you. You say I am more than a conqueror, yet I am not victorious over this flesh. I am desperate for you Lord! I need you to speak to me RIGHT NOW!

And he did. I read John 10 v.7-18. In that moment it was literally the most beautiful passage I have ever read in the Bible, you should check it out. And though I lingered there a while, it wasn’t enough for me. I needed to hear his voice again. I needed more of Him.

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14: 25-27

Ah, thank you Lord Jesus. My grieving, crying, snotting hysteria stops. I am calmed. His peace he leaves with me. His Helper is with me. He will teach me and instruct me in all Christ’s words. My mind floods with his promises. I lay silent in the dark room. My heart beat slows. Peace.

I rise. I go into my room which I share with two other people. Are you ready to talk now?! Gulp. Yes. We talk. Community. Truth spoken in love. Amy confronts the spirit of condemnation under which I have unknowing lived for quite a while.

(can’t you feel it?! man, I go back and read that journal entry, it is dripping with self condemnation! Sheesh! I never realized I lived under it, nor did I realize how strong its hold was over me. Satan’s little scheme to keep me from completely walking in my destiny in Christ; from accepting the identity Jesus has for me! Brilliant . . . punk!)

But FREEDOM was just around that corner! My teammates prayed over me. Spirits of condemnation, shame, guilt, fear of man . . . all broken off! Chains that bound me were loosed! Now I walk freely. Since that night, my ability to relate to people, which I thought awkwardly took a detour to the Philippines ahead of me this month instead of coming with me to Australia had returned. I feel more like Kristen again. Lies replaced by truth. FREE. Thank you Jesus.