“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps”- Proverbs 16:9
I have always been a planner. I love knowing what is going on and what is happening next. This is a great quality, but definitely needs to be balanced with being able to roll with the punches. So, while I am a planner, ultimately it is God Almighty who directs my steps and he reserves the right to change our plans.
The World Race was something that had been in my head for a few years but never my plan. Something I imagined from time to time for sure, but there was no plan on actually going.
My plan was to graduate college, get married to the guy I had been dating, and then possibly go on The World Race together. The Lord was so good and I was blessed by being able to be in a relationship with someone that taught me, encouraged me, and challenged me to become the person Christ has called me to be. I had my fairy tale at the tips of finger, but it was better than I imagined because of who was standing in front of me.
Yet, what happened? I don’t have the best answer…we both wanted to get married to one another but what we wanted for our first few years of marriage looked differently. And for me being a planner, I was stubborn and not willing to let go of my idea of going on The World Race. But truth be told, I never foresaw me going on the race single. So I was left in a conundrum. Which plan? Whose plan do I follow? Which desire to I go with?
I sought God like never before in that season… I fought long and hard to seek God and what his purpose was for my future. I knew a decision had to be made but which one? This guy encouraged me to seek and follow after what the Lord had for me, regardless of the outcome. He was gracious, kind, supportive, and understanding in one of the toughest decisions I ever had to make. How could someone be so selfless and put their wants and desires aside?! God in His goodness revealed himself to me through scripture saying, “You are my servant…go say to the captives ‘come out’ and to those in darkness ‘be free.’ It was done after that; I knew what I needed to do. Tears and heartbreak followed. I went to the guy I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with and ended the relationship. It wasn’t because of my lack of feelings, but because of what God had revealed in prayer through scripture.
I was committed to what God had… The World Race. But then doubt and regret hit hard. I started wondering if I just forced the words “go to the captives come out and those in darkness be free” to fit the race? God never said “The World Race” exactly. One of my deepest desires is to take part in the covenant bond of marriage, to be able to live out the sacrificial cross and redemption of Christ through marriage. Had I just ended the possibility of that? What had I done? What do I do with both feelings, longing to be with him and doubting that The World Race is something God had for me?
Well this is what I did. I went back to him. Not out of regret but out of my affection for him.
I would love to say that there was a happily ever after but that is not the case. Sometimes God closes doors, sometimes plans change. For the heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps. I would be lying if I said that I am 100% pleased with how things turned out. Honestly, I’m disappointed and discouraged. Even now, a year or so later, I still struggle with these feelings. Yet, I put my hope and trust in God, knowing that he is faithful to the end and desires good things for me. I am also so grateful that the Lord establishes my steps because he knows what is best for me and for him. Plus my life would be a bigger mess than it already is if I were to be in total control.
But I know that my God is for me and wants what is best (Romans 8:31). I know that he is a Father who loves me, His daughter (1 John 3:1). I know that He has good things for me (Matthrew 7:11). I know that He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8). I know that His ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9). Above all that, I know that I serve a God who is Sovereign.
…But are these merely words that I read, feel good sayings or do I truly believe what the Word says about God and what he says about me?
”Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him; Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” -Psalm 62:5-8
