It is 5 oclock on Tuesday. I am sitting in our “common room” where we eat together, fellowship, worship and where some even sleep. Hot tea is steaming next to me as the water just got off the stove yet the smell is absent from me as I am sick with a sinus infection, flu or upper respiratory infection. The smell of pig manure, the spices from the kitchen is all absent too. My sense of taste is absent as well yet the hot tea is doing wonders as it goes down to my rough, cracked, raspy throat. The sounds of children playing, laughing and singing are filling my clouded ears due to the congestion and yet I feel absent. This could be the result of being “sick” and not being able to participate in ministry since Thursday afternoon.
In being sick I am starting to realize the absence I feel. I am absent from my life back home and I am starting to feel the weight of my decision in deciding to sign up for the world race. I feel dread when I think about being absent for 11 months from my friends and families (my family and the families I have been blessed to nanny for). Thankfully, as most of ya’ll know I am not convinced of the world race yet and being here in Albania hasn’t confirmed it either. So the thought of potentially leaving early brings warmth, peace and comfort to me. I am smiling, really gleaming just thinking about embracing my incredible parents and wonderful sister, seeing little Layla run with a little bit of a hop in there and then jump into my arms… oh and receiving hugs and kisses from the sweet kids I nanny for and getting to take part in their family again..oh the joy. I am so thankful and blessed for these amazing people in my life!! I never knew how much of a homebody I was till I left.
11 months in the big scheme of life isn’t that long. This month has actually gone by fast. Yet at times day feels like a week, espeically knowing that I am missing Sunday night family dinner with the Boyles or my weekly dates with my dear friends, late night talks with my mom and occasionally cooking with my sister, early church with my dad….
I am so thankful that internet is literally like three minutes away. It has made the transition a lot easier being that I have talked to someone in my family at least twice a week, email my friends once or twice a week and talk with someone in the Boyle family once a week!
Feeling absent has become a normal feeling this past month. I don’t know if it is because I long for my return home and am feeling the absence of their presence in my life. Or if it is having new kids each week for summer camp. Or if it feeling like we as a squad are assisting and don’t really have a role in this ministry. Or if it because I have yet to find my place and purpose within my squad, it is hard with 55 people yet it is far better than it was the first two weeks.
I even feel a little absent when I approach God and I fear that this has been going on for a while and I am just now recognizing it. I fully know and believe that he will never forsake me and is with me. I find that my relationship with God has changed, I have changed. And are you ready for the cliché saying.. it is me, not him that has changed. Truth about God is that he is unchangeable.
I have always been a feeler never a studier but studying and knowledge was/is something that I desire and have been striving for. With that the feeler inside of me has become distant when it comes to God and I. However studying is still unfamiliar, new and is work. Studying isn’t natural, feeling is. But I realized that having been saved for 4 and a half years I had little knowledge of God and what I believed. So I decided I wanted to go deeper, know the word more and actually study it.
In doing that I lost the natural feeler, which is a huge part that makes me me. And in turn the intimate and personal relationship with my Heavenly Father became different and almost lacking. My study of theology wasn’t always leading me to doxology rather it led to more questions, trying to figure out God, the bible, and what doctrine I found to be most accurate according to scripture.
By no means has the feeler inside of me come back out, or is my relationship with God as sweet and intimate as it once was. I don’t necessarily desire to be back in the same relationship with God as I once was. My prayer for this journey (regardless if it is 11 months or less) is to fall more in love with Jesus and cultivate a sweet relationship with him. I want to personally know and experience the names of God. I want Jesus to be the lover of my soul. But I want that deep sweet personal relationship with My Heavenly Father to be coupled with studying and seeking truth, knowledge and understanding of his Word.
