This was written at the end of September 2012
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” – Psalm 147: 3
Who would have thought that brokenness is the place where there is beauty, and especially where a new beauty is found? No it is not the beauty of looking good but beauty of the heart…
Beauty, also called loveliness, is defined by prettiness that is a characteristic that provides perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction. Whereas brokenness is characterized by a separation into pieces, or weakened, and crushed by grief. I know that typically when I am broken it means there has probably been LOTS of crying. And when I cry/ball I tend to look awful. My eyes are puffy and bloodshot, my lips are swollen and I can barely breath out of my nose. Now you may be wondering where there is beauty in brokenness… Well here are my thoughts.
My heart has been recently broken, I mean shattered is more like it. It has been broken in a new way. It was abrupt, and I never even thought this would occur… again… and I was definitely not prepared for it. Yet little did I know that the Lord was preparing me in such a crazy awesome way for something else. It first began by me praying that the other person to have understanding and mercy like never before, for grace to be extended, and for love be the center of our hearts. I knew that I needed/wanted their understanding and I was also in need of their mercy for hurting them first, for being inconsiderate and selfish. I desired both understanding, mercy, grace and love for their to be a lasting embrace in the end. Little did I know there wasn’t going to be much of an embrace.
Yet what I didn’t know was that God would be blessing me with understanding and mercy in such a unique, crazy and insane way. The mercy and understanding that I had was fully from the Lord, there was no me in it, for His understanding knows no limits, and mine does!! If it were fully me I would have reacted and spoken lies to them rather than declaring them as Christ’s and declaring them as forgiven and made new. Yet Christ in his goodness interfered with my limited understanding and mercy and in that moment granted me with a mercy and understanding that knows no limit, why I have no clue..
As time has passed I have seen the flesh in me want justice, want to yell, scream, hit and say unkind things, yet this is where the beauty comes in…. I was humbled in that moment when my flesh took over, there was an overwhelming sense of compassion. I was reminded that they too are broken and hurt just as I am but they were probably dealing with more. I really have no clue, but I can imagine. I am humbled because in this brokenness, I have sinned. At times I have been angry, in my head declared lies over them, have not always edified them, I have exposed their offense, and at times I have wanted bad for them…. This is MY nature..SINFUL and WICKED.
Do you know what God chosen for me…compassion and humility. He did not treat me as my sins deserved, or repay me according to my iniquities, he wrapped his loving arms around me and said “child I know and understand your pain”. I am so thankful that the Lord chooses love, forgiveness, mercy and grace for me rather than the wrath and justice that I deserve. He reminded me that I am not beyond sin and that all sin is equal. He humbled me by reminding me that I have fallen into the same sin and temptation, and in that very sin he showed me the same forgiveness, compassion and mercy that he is showing them and showing me now.
The Lord is also teaching me that he does not broadcast my sins to people and there is accountability in telling other people’s sin even though it might have affected me. He is teaching me the privilege of prayer and what it looks like to pray for those who have hurt me! In praying for them I have had to continually ask God to sift my heart to make sure that these aren’t just words that I speak because I "should" or am “supposed to", that this is not done out of pride or self-righteousness. Truth is sometimes I prayed blessing and favor over them only to make me look or feel better, thinking that I was more "holy"…. I am telling ya'll my nature is TERRIBLE! So thankful to serve such a loving and patient God.
The Lord came quick and convicted me and since He has taught me to find joy in praying for them, and to make sure the words are pure, full of love and truth, because without those, it would be bankrupt and meaningless! It is a delight to pray for blessings and mercy for them, that they would know that they are worthy, and would experience the same kind of love, forgiveness and healing that only comes from the Heavenly Father. Don’t get me wrong, it is, and has been stretching and challenging, and at times I still fail and speak what I want rather than what the Father wants for them. But it has been a journey that has taught me so much about myself and God.
Also in this brokenness I have reached a deeper level of vulnerability with my Heavenly Father. This vulnerability holds nothing back… I tell him if I am angry and why, that I am hurt or confused, my bitterness, my questions, and cast all my burdens and anxiety, as well as fears to the Lord. In this vulnerability, God has been and, continues to intervene and speak His truth while revealing His nature to me and my wicked and sinful heart. I am having to rely more on God, in ways that I have never had to rely on him… to trust and depend on him in all areas of my life, this includes the present, the future, my fears, my desires, the uncertainties… everything! I am being tried and my faith is being tested and refined, Oh what beauty.
I am having to ask myself if I truly believe in His Sovereignty, trust that His ways are better than my own, that he is faithful, that he works for the good of those who love him. OR are these only truths that I know of God in my head rather than believing them in my heart… In this season he is granting me the opportunity for my faith to grow, showing me his character and nature by allowing me to walk even with disbelief only for him to reveal in tangible ways that he is faithful, sovereign, good, trustworthy, patient, understanding yet intolerant of sin, and that he has an unyielding love for me!
How beautiful is it to know that the Lord is purifying me with and by his hands who is the maker of Heaven and Earth!!! How awesome of God to show me that he is the healer of the brokenhearted. That he is our comforter. How incredible and humbling is it to know that in this season of brokenness that God with his own hands is picking up every single piece of my heart, sifting it, examining it, and with the unconditional love of a Father he is putting it back together where and how he wants it! I celebrate in the truth that OUR God cares for us so deeply that he would allow for the brokenness in our lives to be an opportunity for to be glorified all the more! I thank God that he is a refuge for our thoughts and feelings, his grace saves and sustains, yet in his love and kindness he brings conviction that leads to repentance!! I am humbled, honored, and in such awe that the Lord is using this deep level of brokenness to create and shape in me a pure and new heart, teach me my nature and teach me His never changing character. I am glad, really thrilled that the Lord is teaching me and leading me to discover a new kind of beauty!!
"He has amade everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot bfind out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I perceived that there is cnothing better for them than to be joyful and to ddo good as long as they live; 13 also ethat everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this isfGod's gift to man." -Ecclesiastes 3:11-13
