I Want to Go Home
Five words that I never thought I would say.
When I left, I was prepared to change the world, build churches, teach English, and sacrifice for the sake of the Gospel.
However, not all months of ministry looks like that.
I’ve had teammates wanting to go home since month five, but not me.
I was not going to be that person to utter those words.
Well it happened, three days into month 7 and the thought of going home became real.
How could you get tired of traveling? How could you get tired of seeking endless adventure?
But the truth is, most people see the glamourous side of what we do. Yes, it’s exciting to travel to new counties, see a new culture, and meet new people every month, but just like any other job, life on the race can become just as mundane across the world as life back home.
Every month I pack up my life into its backpack. I board a bus or an airplane, say goodbye to the people I’ve invested in, given my time and heart to for the last month.
I’m tired.
We have to constantly be in “ministry mode.” Even when we aren’t at ministry we are still expected to be intentional with our team, press into the Lord, be in the Word, encourage one another, spend time building relationships with the locals, blog, journal, and try to keep up with people back home. Living out of a backpack is hard. Living in community is hard. The only alone time I get is in the shower or sleeping.
When we landed in Europe, I was excited to have a little bit of normalcy back into my life, but after settling into our ministry for the month, I feel more disconnected from the race now than I ever have. I have the most “normal” living arrangements I’ve had on the race this month, I’m even a 30 second walk from the beach, yet I’m sitting here wanting to go home.
I just want to sleep in my own bed, wear clothes from my closet and be with my family and friends. I have already missed so much.
In the beginning it seemed so easy to leave home and do this, but the longer I am gone that harder it gets.
I have to remind myself daily, to stop and look around and thank the Lord for the season I am in and the life He has given me. To not take it for granted. This IS my life and I’m lucky enough to have the race be a part of it.
It may be month 7 but I still have 4 more months to go.
So,
I quit.
I give up.
I want to go home.
At debrief, my squad mate was struggling with the same thing and shared with us what the Lord told her and so I will share it again.
The Lord told her to quit, give up and go home.
So that’s exactly what I did.
I quit trying to do the race out of my own strength.
I’m giving up trying to put expectations into this year and allowing the Lord to continue to move in me, my teammates, my ministry, and my host.
I’m going home to the Father where I’m reminded that I am LOVED, ENOUGH and CAPABLE to finish the race.
Regardless of where I am in the world, who I am serving, or the people I am around; it comes down to relying on His strength and not my own.
This year has been challenging, tiring at times, but it has also brought me so much growth and understanding of my purpose and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
After all it is His race, not mine.
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
Acts 20: 24
