23 years later and I finally broke…
I broke tonight, not the most proud of throwing a tantrum and crying enough tears to flood my bed, but I did.
For the entire race, I’ve been doing fine, so I thought. Little did I know that every teammate struggle, every emotion I felt, and every thing I “let go” would eventually catch up to me.
These past few months, I’ve been trying to fit this “mold” of ideas and boundaries that the World Race has encouraged us to follow. Examples of this include: addressing confrontation, the here/there path, feedback, living in community, team time, and what to bring to the team and the Lord. When I signed up for this, all I wanted to do was serve the Lord, something in which I thought I was well trained for.
I was bullied throughout middle school, so knowing I was going to a private school for high school was my chance to start over. What version of Kristen did I want these new people to know? So, I became the say “yes” girl, the word “no” just wasn’t in my vocabulary. Whatever anyone needed, I was going to be that girl to do it.
My entire life I just wanted to be good at something; I wanted to be that person whose ideas and voice were not just heard, but listened to and applied.
I set expectations so high for myself throughout life and I’ve done nothing but fail. I expected this year to be filled with like-minded people, people willing to go out of their way to serve me like I go out of my way to serve them, but those expectations were shattered the moment God brought my team and I together. See, having initial expectations about a group doesn’t work, because they are like-minded people, but they come from a variety of backgrounds with different struggles and the Lord is breaking them in unique ways. How can I expect them to do anything? Just three months ago, we were complete strangers and as my one of my teammate said, “we wouldn’t be friends outside of the race.” It definitely hurts hearing that, but it’s true. I’ve come to realize, trying to be all things to all people, letting things go when they really bother me, setting high standards that I could never feasibly meet, and having expectations will always set me up to fail.
In James 3:8-9, it says “But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.” Words are powerful and cannot be unheard.
For the last three months, I’ve let so much go that my teammates do, while opening myself up for criticism. Why is this? It’s because I’m a people pleaser, I’m addicted to human approval. Not just these last three months, but for as long as I can remember. I’ve done nothing but listen to the opinions of those in my life circle: soaking up every opinion, advice and constructive criticism, without realizing how powerful words can be… and I figured if I became all things to all people that would be enough. But I’ve never become enough, I’ve just been trying to fit this unrealistic “mold” society tells me I should fit.
So tonight I broke down. I cried and the truth came out. For the last three months, well 23 years, I’ve been striving to reach these unrealistic expectations I’ve set for myself. So now that I’ve recognized that, how do I start living for Kristen, doing what Kristen wants, saying how Kristen feels?
I’m not really sure what I thought this year would bring me, but I had no idea it would be this hard.
Expectation: a 11 letter word that can ruin a persons life.
Expectations are what I had set for this year that the Lord has been chipping away until tonight. Tonight, I felt what it’s like to feel utterly broken. I have no idea what the rest of this year looks like, but after tonight I’m honestly scared. Change is hard, conflict is hard, and community is even harder.
If I was at home I would run, because change and confrontation are hard and I don’t like it; however, the Lord brought me to Africa where my only option is to run to paper and a pen. I know beautiful things can come from broken pieces, but right now I’m pretty broken
