Today is Valentine’s Day and all day I want to do is be home. Missing my parents and our Valentine’s Day tradition is difficult. Every year for as long as I could remember I woke up to a card on my night stand and a single red rose from my daddy, but this year, that wasn’t possible. This year, I woke up to nothing on my night stand and my dad was nowhere in sight. I was there in my bed, missing what used to be.
Sometimes on the race you miss home so much that you question whether or not you can honestly make it a whole year without the familiar. Today was one of those days.
On our way to ministry we passed a flower stand and my heart sank a little. I was tempted to buy a single red rose but I resisted. After ministry, I decided to make my squad brownies in honor of Valentine’s Day because who doesn’t love chocolate right?
As dinner came and went and soon the brownies were consumed, my squad said their “thanks you’s” but I still felt empty. I wanted the brownies to take the place of my pain, of missing the people I loved most but life doesn’t work that way. Sooner or later, what you run from finds its way back to you.
Good, decent, gentle men are hard to find these days. They are hidden treasures in a world full of dirty, rotten souls. When you find a man who views you with respect and honor, cherish him, pray for him, and love him well.
I’ve had my fair share of men who’ve treated me like I was nothing, as if I was a piece of meat to be devoured and not savored. It’s left me empty and has built a fortress around my heart toward them. The wall is laid thick that my sweet Savior hasn’t even been able to crack it because of my unwillingness to the unknown. Up until the race, relationships with men have been scary and remind me of where I’ve been and how I don’t want to go back there so I avoid it.
You see, my squad is made up of 12 men, each bringing something new to the table. They show us each day what love looks like, what clean and good humor is and what gentleness looks like. They treat us with respect not in hopes of receiving anything back but because it’s who they are.
The men on my squad are kind. They are thoughtful. They are gentle beyond belief. They don’t yell or bulk up. They are slow speak and quick to love. They protect us and give us a glimpse into the way men were made to be.
On this Valentine’s Day, the men on Q squad gave each women a single rose and a prayerful, thought out letter, specific for each person.
To say, I was overwhelmed would be a complete understatement.
My squad recognizes that I enjoy to serve but sometimes I feel like that’s all I am to people, or at least that’s all they see in me. But the Lord has a way of taking what we think about ourselves and tossing it to the wind and reminding us who we actually are.
On my card wrote, “The Lord loves you for not what you do, but who you are”. I realized in that moment that I am enough. With every crinkle, spot and blemish I am enough because the Creator of the universe says I am.
Sometimes it’s just that simple.
During a season of learning how to receive love, God gently and sweetly reminded me through a single red rose that I am His daughter, that regardless of how much I give, how much I serve, He loves and cares for me so deeply that I could never do anything to change that.
When I serve, it’s because it fills me up.
And that is enough.
As last month has come to an end, I am beginning to understand where my identity lies, that regardless of the amount of makeup I wear, relationships I build, my identity and my beauty rests in the hands of my Creator. I still have work to do, but walking in freedom gives me a desire to keep going, to continue to figure out who I am and learning that whatever I find is enough.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are enough.
