Humans are not perfect. You are not perfect. I am not perfect.
When you live in tight community, like we do on the Race, where you see each other twenty-four seven, imperfection is real. It happens all the time. We address imperfection with constructive feedback, six times a week in team time. We do this to call each other out, to call each other higher and deeper. We do constructive feedback out of love. We want the best for each other.
Proverbs 26:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”
But what happens when you cannot give constructive feedback because past insecurities have wrapped themselves tightly around you and are pulling you down?
Let me back track for a minute. In the last three years, I have lost three best friends because I expressed how I was feeling about something critical. With two friends, it was their potential relationship and how I was feeling about constantly being left out. With the third friend, it was about her boyfriend and how he treated me along with many red flags in their relationship. I did not go into these conversations to accuse or make everything about them. I simply expressed how I was feeling using ‘I statements’ – “I feel (insert feeling) because (insert why).” Each of these conversations back fired in my face and ended the friendships.
This has left me with a huge insecurity in how to be a good friend and in how to communicate how I am feeling in a friendship.
Before we transitioned to Africa, we had team changes. I switched from an all-women team to a co-ed team. I switched from a team of generally extroverts to a team of generally more reserved introverts. Some teammates connected quickly, but for the most part things stayed very surface level.
I do not know why, but I have always been comfortable being vulnerable and transparent. It does not bother me to express honestly how I am feeling, to explain what I am learning and processing, to talk about tough things I have gone through. My teammates will tell you it is one of my biggest strengths.
Throughout Zambia, I experienced numerous conversations where I just felt left out of the team. Someone would ask a question and ask each person to answer it, but not me. I would ask to help in the kitchen, be told there was nothing to do, but five minutes later a teammate would walk in and be given something to do. I just felt left out, discouraged, not valued, not worthy, unwanted. It has not been a fun place to be when living in such tight community.
For weeks, I have wanted to bring this up in feedback. But the insecurities were quick to remind me “if you do this, they won’t want you anymore,” “if you do this, you’ll make things real awkward,” “if you do this, these friendships will end just like those other friendships.” So I stayed in what was comfortable – keeping quiet and silently holding grudges against teammates who left me out.
This past weekend lying under a blanket of stars on the roof of a beach house, I again went to the Lord with all of this. I pretended he was the team and said everything I wanted to say. His quiet response was loud and clear, “proud of you, kid.” I knew I had to say something. And then my beautiful squad mentor reached out and asked how I was doing. I was not going to lie. I told her everything, seeking counsel.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin
During feedback Tuesday night, I spoke up. I finally courageously stomped on those insecurities and boldly chose vulnerability with my team. I chose to express my feelings. I chose to be brave. I chose to be all in with my team.
It was just the beginning of huge changes within our team. Within a couple days, two other teammates boldly spoke up about how they were feeling. Last night, during team time, each member spoke about how they are feeling, what they want to see done differently, and what they need from the team.
We were honest with each other.
We were vulnerable with each other.
We are finally choosing each other, choosing to be all in.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela
Proverbs 26:17 is accurate. Iron really does sharpen iron. And the members of Team Hot Rod are learning to sharpen each other, love each other, care for each other, and be for each other.
