“Na, na, honey I’m good, I could have another but I probably shouldn’t…” It’s 7:40am. I shut off the alarm and fall back asleep. The alarm goes off again, Andy Grammer’s catchy voice rousing me from sleep again. It’s 7:55am. Breakfast is in twenty minutes. Three of my teammates have likely already worked out for the day, one is asleep, and one does quiet time in her bunk. I fight to even open my eyes. After about fifteen minutes, I muster the courage to crawl out of my sleeping bag and manage to eat a quick breakfast before crawling back into bed with my kindle.
It’s now 9:15am, we have to be at the church in fifteen minutes for worship and intercession. I fight the battle of staying in bed or to walk to the church; the church always wins out because it’s required, but I never want to go.
It’s now 12:45pm, we have ministry in fifteen minutes. I’ve spent the hour and a half between intercession and ministry eating a quick lunch and reading in my bunk. I have zero desire to go to ministry because I don’t ever feel useful or that I will actually have an impact on our ministry. I dread the five hours that I’m away from the solitude of my bunk, my headphones, and my kindle.
It’s now 6:15pm. I’m back at the house and have survived another day of ministry. I crawl back in my bunk and wait for dinner, passing the time with reading. I eat dinner, usually a quick one, before returning to my bunk. At some point between dinner and going to bed, team time occurs. After team time, I crawl back in my sleeping bag and read till I fall asleep.
Depression is defined as “a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.”
This isn’t something new to me. This is a battle I’ve fought with recognition for just shy of four years, but probably for about eight years. Sometimes I come out on top and other times the depression does. It has never been a pretty battle. It often involves loss of sleep, a funky appetite, a lot of time reading in bed, and plenty of tears.
I have learned my typical warning signs of being in a depressive state. I have learned that once I can identify that I’m in a depressive state, it usually takes a night of sleep to rid myself of it.
Last month I lived with my whole squad and two squad leaders, thirty-eight of us in one house. Did I mention I’m an introvert? My energy levels completely drain being around people all day. I need time alone to recharge and I need this time every day.
But here’s the thing. My typical warning signs of depression are desiring excessive alone time. Last month, I lived in a chaotic, loud house. The introvert in me needed the alone time very regularly. I attributed my desire for excessive alone time to being an introvert in a house that was rarely quiet, in a house where my only way to introvert was to put in headphones and face the wall in my bunk.
On our second day in Elbasan with just seven of us in a completely new house in a completely new country, I desired excessive alone time. It finally clicked. I was in a depressive state. For all of all-squad month. I shared this with Kim and Abbie in the kitchen, teammates from my previous team who know I struggle with depression.
Abbie was quick to ask, “What have you learned from this?” At the time, I didn’t have an answer. I hadn’t processed it.
But now, I have an answer. What have I learned from battling depression on the Race?
I have learned that attitude is everything. Each day I need to wake up and choose to be positive about the day ahead. God has blessed me with being a missionary, to go out to the nations and make a difference in His sons and daughters, in His orphans. My attitude each day not only affects me, but it affects my teammates, my ministry hosts, and every person I encounter.
Each day, I will choose positivity. I will choose Jesus. I will choose to say yes. I will choose laughter. I will choose joy.
