“I see you are seeking my approval that what you are doing is good,” she said to me (or something very close to those words). Wait, what?! It was 2012 and I was 23 years old. I had just started the Special Education side of my education degree; it was maybe the fourth week of class and we were in our first practicum teaching small groups. It was my first ever observation by a professor who set the ball rolling for drastically changing my life.
You see, throughout childhood I often felt like I wasn’t heard and what I said, thought, and believed were not valued. I learned from a young age to just shut down, to not speak when I had an opinion, and to not care that I was never heard. I retreated very regularly to the fictional world, to a world where I felt accepted because there are always pages to turn, always more words that need to be read and heard.
About the third week of the World Race, my team lead Kim asked us prior to team time what we thought God was teaching us so far. We had the whole day to think this through before team time where we would share our answers. At first, my thoughts were simple ones like “getting out of my comfort zone” and “accepting food from hosts I knew I didn’t like”. But at some point during the day, my thoughts veered towards this sentence a professor spoke to me.
At the time when she had said it, I maybe dwelled on it for a day or so, thinking it was interesting she had noticed I was seeking approval. Now though, I realize that for my whole life I have looked to others for approval and affirmation. I have done this by intentionally asking questions (sometimes ones I already knew the answer to) or intentionally making statements to be heard. I have done this by being the person constantly talking in a one-on-one with someone because the person has asked intentional questions and I want to be heard. I often left those conversations feeling guilty I had been the one constantly talking. But I never realized why I was doing what I did until now.
I never realized until Kim asked us an intentional question. What has God been teaching you so far on the Race? God has been teaching me that I seek affirmation and approval from others, but I do not need to do that because I have all the affirmation and approval I need from Him alone.
As I expressed what I was learning with my teammates I felt the freedom in admitting something I have been struggling with for years. Acceptance. Value. Being heard. I do not need to struggle with these anymore.
My teammates spoke truth into my life that night, truth that I had always tried to seek from others. My teammates prayed over me, prayers that I had never even thought of praying. My teammates called me higher; they shaped me into someone I have always wanted to become, someone who is valued and someone who is heard.
Weeks later, this is still a daily struggle. I have to daily tell myself I do not need to seek from others. I have to catch myself before I make an intentional statement or ask an intentional question because I do not need to seek approval in those ways.
All I need to do is seek the Lord, the Lord has already given me all the approval and affirmation I need.
