Control. It’s a powerful word. It’s something I enjoy having, something I need to have in my life. Control over my schedule, over what I eat, over who I hangout with, over plans for the future, over everything. I make lists, I color code, I re-write lists, I constantly think about the future.
But all that does is bring stress.
What if there is someone you can give all that control and stress to?
Prior to training camp, a friend asked me ‘what do you think God is going to teach you on the Race?’ My immediate response was ‘definitely my need to be in control’ but my tone was always one of humor. My friends constantly tease me about being in control and being so organized. My thought was more along the lines of ‘but really, will he really teach me that?’
“But if you’re as addicted to control as I was, how do you give up your rights? Often, the journey has to take you to a point where surrender feels like the only option. The good news is that God is patient. He’ll move us slowly, allowing us to give up control over time. || Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys
At camp, God began the process of me losing control over everything. A schedule was posted for all ten days of camp, a general very flexible schedule. It might say something like “team building” but I had no idea what we would be doing as a squad, or it might say something like “women’s retreat” but I had no idea what that entailed. The first few days were rough. I hated walking into a session or activity not knowing exactly what was going to happen. But by the middle of the week, I relaxed; I felt comfortable not knowing exactly what might be happening. I had a general schedule for the day, even if I didn’t know what was happening for each part of the day, and that was enough for me.
We all knew that after camp our launch deadline would approach very quickly. I knew coming home that I still had quite a bit to raise before being cleared to officially launch with beloved sqWad in September. But I was back on my own turf, back in Bellingham. I went right back to needing control. I had control over when I took babysitting gigs and when I hung out with friends and when I got out of bed each day (which let’s be real, it’s so easy to sleep in every day when you don’t have a full-time job!).
With no full-time job and the launch deadline quickly approaching, my mindset immediately jumped to “what can I do to meet the deadline?” I began to make mental lists of fundraisers that I could potentially do, of fundraisers that I had attempted but had no interest for others, and possibilities of where this money could come from. Needless to say, I began to freak out. Fundraisers have been going poorly, usually with no interest shown. I felt the panic of being out of options, of not knowing where the money would come from.
I texted an alum racer about freaking out and about feeling not in control of anything.
Her response rocked my world: “That’s the point. You can’t rescue yourself.”
I’ve been praying over and over about the launch deadline approaching, about knowing that God has a plan, about knowing that He’s in control over the deadline.
But did I really give Him that control? Did I really put it on a platter and hand it over to him? Of course I didn’t because I need to have the control.
Three days ago, the deadline quickly approaching was brought up in a conversation. I was asked what would happen if I didn’t have the money in my account. I simply explained that I would defer to January, but as I crawled into bed to wind down, I completely lost it. Commence a full breakdown; tears, hideous crying, and a broken prayer included.
As I prayed through tears to give up all control, ‘It’s Always Been You’ by Chris August began playing on my Pandora station.
“And I’m sorry for the things that I’ve done / when You ran to me, I turned to run /
but You were waiting when I came undone / and needed something to hold onto…”
Mind blown. Abba’s voice. You see, we connect and converse in lyrics, quotes, and scripture. That’s where I hear him the loudest.
I continued to pray about giving up control and giving everything to God. ‘One Thing Remains’ by Jesus Culture began to play.
“Higher than the mountains that I face / stronger than the power of the grave /
constant through the trial and the change / one thing remains /
your love never fails / never gives up / never runs out on me…”
Mind blown again. Abba’s voice. Two more songs about His love for us. His voice so clear.
As my mind shifted from “how can I make this work?” to “how can God make this work?”, ‘Lead Me to the Cross’ by Hillsong began.
“Everything I once held dear / I count it all as loss /
lead me to the cross / where your love poured out /
bring me to my knees / Lord I lay me down / rid me of myself /
I belong to you / lead me, lead me to the cross…”
Mind blown again.
I don’t want the control anymore. I want to give it to the One who can conquer everything. As I explained my struggled with control to a sqWadmate and told him about my breakdown, ‘Healing Begins’ by Tenth Avenue North began.
“So you thought you had to keep this up / all the work that you do /
so we think that you’re good / and you can’t believe it’s not enough /
all the walls you built up / are just glass on the outside /
so let ’em fall down / there’s freedom waiting in the sound /
when you let your walls fall to the ground / we’re here now /
this is where the healing begins, oh / this is where the healing starts /
when you come to where you’re broken within /
the light meets the dark / the light meets the dark…”
I laughed and cried through the whole song. Freedom. That beautiful word. It was a word spoken over our sqWad at camp by one of our sqWad leaders, it was a word I experienced so much of as we sang about freedom in numerous songs throughout the week – finding freedom in no longer being a slave to fear, finding freedom in the river of His love.
The morning after the breakdown, two mornings ago, I felt so much peace surrounding me in giving the control to God. I don’t know how fundraising will pan out, but I know He has the control. I don’t know if I’ll meet the launch deadline, but I know He has the control. I don’t know if I’ll be leaving in September or January, but I know He has the control.
When He has the control, things will go as He has planned and
that’s all I can ask for because He is a good, good Father.
