As I am driving to class this morning, the song “Be Still” by Bethel comes on my shuffle. Through the scratchiness of my blown out speakers, I hear “Be still my heart and know that you are God alone. Stop thinking so much, and just let go”.
While driving, without even thinking, (don’t tell my mom) I will close my eyes when overwhelmed by a song or certain lyric. That happened this morning. I hit repeat and listened to this song until I pulled into the Lindenwood parking lot. “Just let go”…
Why is this so incredibly easy to say yet so incredibly hard to do? Why is it that I allow the “stressors” of my life to cloud the goodness and faithfulness of God? Why is it that one day I have full trust and the next day I am a worried mess that things will not work out? The only answer I can come to is that God has given me more than I can handle. We are probably all familiar with the statement, “God will never give you more than you can handle”. I would respectfully argue this. Maybe instead, God intentionally gives us more than we can handle so that we come running to Him—becoming aware of our incapability without Christ. For all of my life it has been easy for me to say that God is good, God is faithful, and God will provide. For the first time in my life these commonly used words to describe God are finally being put to test. What if I actually start believing this?
I am openly admitting that I am nervous, scared and overwhelmed. Working three jobs, going to school full time and trying to fund raise/prepare for this trip is more than I can handle. I have been constantly counting in my head how much I have and how much more I need to raise. “If so and so gives this much, if I ask this person, if I make this much at work, if I sell this, if I pick up more shifts, if I meet with _____.” Reflecting on this, it is made evident that every thought that has run through my head has started with “If I”—as if I am the one capable of doing this all. Newsflash Kristen, you aren’t superwoman and you CAN’T do this by your own strength.
The Lord has already taught me so much through this journey. He has taught me that I have been really good at saying I trust Him, but maybe I lack more than I thought in this whole trusting thing. My dad came into my room yesterday as I was getting ready and reminded me of Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:25-27, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
It is time that I release control. I am simply a pen Lord; You are writing the story.
“There are seasons when to be still demands immeasurably higher strength than to act.” -Margaret Bottome
Thank you for the continued prayer and support!
With so much love,
Kristen
