He is the Hope that Leads Me Through the Dark.
Something great, something amazing, something life changing happened at training camp for the World Race. I WAS HEALED. Sounds Crazy right? Not crazy knowing the God I serve.
As a little girl I was bullied in school. I hadn’t realized that, that is what it was at the time; in fact, I hadn’t realized that until just a year ago. As a little vulnerable girl, I had no idea what I had done to cause this to happen. This is what started a 15 year long battle with depression, anxiety, and a great fear of rejection.
This rejection caused a multitude of beliefs to develop and gave birth to a relentless inner critic. I began to develop insecurities. My self worth and confidence plummeted to absolutely nothing. I believed something was wrong with me, I was defective, I had failed, and I was not acceptable. I began to believe that I was worthless, a failure, unlovable, ugly, unacceptable, unintelligent, and I hated myself.
I was depressed. I completely lost my sense of self, my identity, who I was. I was so wrapped up in trying to be who I thought everybody else wanted me to be. I was living but I was not alive, I was completely numb inside. I tried to act the way I thought people wanted me to act, to think the way I thought they wanted me to think, do what I thought they wanted me to do, say what they wanted me to say. I was lost. The enemy got a hold of me at a vulnerable time and relentlessly fed me lies for 15 YEARS!
The enemy had stolen my joy, my freedom, my ability to accept love, my worth, my confidence, and my identity.
This monstrous battle of the mind continued throughout middle school, high school, and into my college years. Yes, I had good and happy moments in life, but I was living under a constant raging storm within me.
Through it all, I still believed Christ was in my life and He was literally the only thing I had in my life that kept me hanging on. I had developed a very distant relationship with him. I had become angry with Him, wondering why He had allowed so much pain, hurt, disappointment, and rejection in my life. I questioned whether He really loved me, if He really saw me as beautiful, and if I really was worthy to be pursued by Him. I wondered if maybe He had made a mistake, after all, how could He use me in a state like that? I felt like a waste of space with no purpose.
About a couple years ago, after hitting rock bottom, I told myself I was going to choose joy; I chose to fight for my life. I slowly began the process of healing and claiming back what the enemy had stolen from me. I know now that God doesn’t make mistakes. I am so blessed to have had such a great family who spoke truth into my life at a time when I needed it the most.
Going into training camp I had no expectations. I wasn’t completely healed, and was wondering if it would ever happen, I thought it was a long drawn out process, maybe by the time I was 60, I would be okay. I had even shared that with my two sweet spirited tent mates the night before.
We had a speaker talk to us about the Holy Spirit. I was so hungry for God, I desired everything He had for me.
THEN THE HOLY SPIRIT CAME.
I asked God for the Holy Spirit to come and give everything He had for me. This night God had chosen to give me healing; the time had finally come after 15 years in the desert. 15 years of prayers and waiting and I cannot help but smile at how perfect God’s timing was.
I began to weep, and weeping turned into sobs. Our wonderful S Squad Coaches Tim and Lisa, began to speak encouragement, truth, healing, and knowledge over me.
God showed up. He told me I was going to be healed that night; I was going to be free from these strongholds in my life. God told me I had not grieved my loss of a happy childhood, that I had not grieved my loss of joy, my loss of my sense of self. He told me I was crying tears of the pain, hurt, rejection, anxiety, and disappointment I had accumulated since I was a little girl. He then began renew my mind and mend my heart. He told me he was removing the memories, repetitive untrue thoughts, all the lies. He was removing things in my subconscious that I wasn’t even aware of that were causing me hurt. He was transforming my mind, He was reviving my spirit, bringing me back to life.
Lisa who was praying over me says, “I remember seeing God flip through the pages of your life which represented years back until you were in your mother’s womb and taking a huge blotter which was dipped in Jesus’ blood and blotting out all the hurt, all the wrongs done to you , and all the wounds and saying that these were why He died-for each of these, He said His blood was shed and that His blood was healing those wounds and that He was making you into the pure and innocent little girl he intends for you to be! “
He then spoke these words to me:
“Kristen, my darling daughter, it wasn’t your fault. I never desired this for you. This was not of me. I am so sorry for all your pain and suffering that you had to go through since you were a little girl. I love you my precious, darling daughter, and I am sorry.”
These words pierced my heart. For so long I had blamed myself. For so long I was hurt and angry because I thought this pain was what God had for my life.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
Mark 5:34
I cannot explain it other than a huge weight was lifted off of me, a fountain of joy was placed within me, the chains that bound my heart were broken. My patterns of negative thinking were gone. Feelings associated with horrible, painful memories erased.
I feel free. I feel happy. I feel loved. I FEEL again. Everything that had suppressed who I was, was removed and I was finally free to be the daughter of Christ that I was created to be. I can’t stop smiling.
Through this suffering that I went through not only did God build my character but, He gave me a glimpse of Himself. I now have a better understanding of what He went through, what HE suffered for me, for us all.
I have tasted His adversity. Through my own suffering, He was sharing His heart with me, it was fellowship of His suffering. He doesn’t enjoy our pain, but enjoys our companionship. He wants us to know His heart.
It is important to remember that the joy of His resurrection is more real than the pain of His rejection. In everything we go through, we can find a way to connect with Jesus’ heart. If we’ve been rejected, we can relate to His rejection. If we allow Him, He passes on His heart to us in everything we endure. (-Tie Green)
I want to know Christ – Yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings. Philippians 3:10
WHERE THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS, THERE IS FREEDOM!
I know without a doubt, that my suffering is NOT going to go to waste. He is going to use my suffering for His divine purposes. I also know that had I not suffered, I would not be so in love with Him, given Him my WHOLE HEART, be dependent on Him, or have put my trust in Him.
I really encourage you who are weary, suffering, or heavily burdened, to not give up. Pursue God. Pursue all He has for you. Know that He is with you, He loves you with an unfailing love, and His love never fails, never gives up, and never runs out on you. God is pursuing you and He won’t relent until He has it all.
MY HEART IS HIS.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
-Psalm 30:2
