It’s worth fighting for.
Today has been overwhelming.
Over the weekend I dealt with some issues in my personal character. I felt hurt by close friends, and had to fight the instinct to run away from situations that felt controlling or like they may mirror abuse I have faced in my past. All night I wrestled thoughts In my head reminding me that I can’t trust anyone, it was stupid to move in with my mentor and rely on people who may decide they don’t like me, it was dumb to think anyone could be close or that I could have real and healthy friendships. In fact, it almost seems habit that the enemy comes to me around 2 am with flaming arrows. Particularly after gaining freedom and newfound peace over a situation or circumstance and deciding to change or adopt new habits that benefit the Kingdom. I realize that I have no idea how to approach conflict other than survival instincts I developed from a young age. Run away. Shut down. Don’t anger anyone. Be quiet and agree to whatever they want, and you won’t get hurt. Living in Community with the Body of Christ is different. We are all classmates, learning from the same teacher, studying together, and potentially failing and retaking a few classes. Being in a tight-nit group is hard. Everyone loves each other fiercely, supports each other, and are fighting the good fight for one another. But we also gossip, we share things that were confided in us, and we fail each other often and our failures are brought to light and to the attention of those we instinctually avoid letting down at all cost. This creates abounding opportunity to learn grace, to learn to continue to dig in deeper together, to support each other and correct each other by speaking truth in love, and most importantly for me, to not run away when people get too close.
Seeking resolution for conflict is constant and I’m learning as I grow in relationships with my peers that its going to get messy and ugly and sometimes hurtful. But, this is what was meant by getting in the trenches together. Your shirt is going to get muddy, your friends blood is going to smear on you, and you may trip while holding your brothers hand and pull him down with you by mistake. But, you get up together. You reach out and patch up a wound, you stand in the line of fire to protect them, and they wipe the sweat from your brow and let you sleep on their shoulder when there is time to rest. In moments of resolution, when you have overcome something amazing or grown closer, It is now that the flaming arrows come in on all sides. This is the time to band together, not fall apart. Past the point of “I can’t do it anymore”, is when you persist and get stronger. And then you prepare together, knowing that even now as you celebrate victory and make it to the other side, more arrows are primed and ready to fire. But do not lose heart, the battle is already won. Its like I told a close friend, the Devil is a sore loser.
On top of working through this conflict, Today I received an Email. Its been a general knowledge that I will be leaving around January of next year. Six months or so from now. But today, that vague stopping point became a Specific date of finality. I will be launching from Atlanta, Georgia on January 7th and heading out for the year. Upon reading this, with an end date in mind, I was overwhelmed with emotion, feeling a million things in a few seconds that welled my eyes up with tears and poured out from my heart.
Shock. I did not see this coming. I’m caught off guard by the unexpectedness of receiving an actual date. A real deadline is looming overhead. This season will end, on this specific date.
Worry. Because I am five months away from launch, there is much to do before training camp (around 80 days from now), I don’t have much money, have literally no gear prepared, and time will run out fast if I’m not intentional and proactive
Fear. Despite calls of my spirit not to be afraid, I am scared of jumping into the unknown. Im afraid of the state of terror in the world that targets airports and the general unsafely of the race, of failing God and my squad and the people He needs me to meet, of not being enough.
Adoration. It washed over me like a flood, God is so Big, and so close. He is so personal and loving and moves mountains. I am in awe of all that He is done, and that He would choose me to do such a big job and take me on such an amazing journey and more thoughts than i can even express
Humility. Wow, God. just Wow. My heart bows to everything You are and everything You have done.
Thanksgiving. How incredible is it, the ways He has worked and weaved everything, and the relationships and gifts He has overflowed into my life? I cannot express how blessed I am to be chosen for something such as this, something more than I could ever ask for.
Desire. Anticipation. Fierce Longing. Worship. Love. Abandon.
How silly and trivial my problems all seemed. everything shrank away in the magnitude of all God’s glory and the realization that this is not a dream anymore, this is a reality, and its time to hunker down and fight on. I have amazing women and men in my life who pour into me and worry over me and get excited for me and cross boundaries and make mistakes and who have amazing lives of their own that God is working in and need me to pour into them also. I am so stinking spoiled with all of this love, really i am, and I am sorry that i usually don’t know how to react to something so unfamiliar or how to operate in it.
To my brothers and sisters who do life with me everyday, I love you, you are wonderful and i need you. Thank you, I will always forgive you, as I hope you continue to have grace with me. Five months from now i will be crying in your arms, and we can say we made it here and its time. Until then, I ask you to rally the forces, and be prepared for radical change in your own hearts as well. You guys Keep me going, you guys kept me alive when I was done, and all I want to do is to serve you and love you so very well. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for being a part of everything that brought me to this point. God knew it the whole time, and He brought me to you guys completely on purpose. Im getting choked up reading this all over again! I really wouldn’t have gotten this far without you, please know that your impact ripple out in waves you can’t begin to fathom.
This is real guys. January 7th, 2017 real.
Lets celebrate together. with JOY.
Your Servant in Christ and Friendly Neighborhood missionary,
Kris the World Racer
