I was a pretty happy kid growing up. I was shy, but I had friends. In the 6th grade, I hung out with the same group of girls everyday. I thought they were all my friends, that is until I heard that they had been talking behind my back saying how annoying I was. I had hoped it was not true but when I confronted them, they just stared blankly until one girl spoke up, “well you are pretty annoying.” I’m not sure there is a word to describe how I felt that day as I walked away and wondered what I had done to annoy everybody so bad that they no longer wanted to be my friend.
I have only told one person this story in my whole life but lately I have felt the Lord tugging on my heart to share it. That day, when those girls told me I was annoying, I really shut down. I no longer went out of my way to make friends or talk to new people. Soon I went on to jr. high and I kept to myself. I watched everybody around me enjoy the experience of meeting new classmates and making new friends, and I wanted that so bad but in the back of my head rang this small voice that would tell me that everyone would just think I was annoying, so I listened. This voice stayed with me all through jr. high and all through out high school.
I wasn’t a complete loner. I had a couple girls from church that I hung out with, but when I was in my classes I was silent. I avoided conversation and would reply with the shortest response possible when one of my peers tried to engage in conversation. I am sure people just thought I was stuck up but inside I was hurting so bad. I wanted to have friends and be social but I simply did not know how when that voice kept ringing in my ear.
I let Satan ruin my school years. I look back on it now and I missed out on so much! All the friends I could have had, the sports I could have played, all the clubs I could have joined, but I didn’t. I let the enemy take away my freedom to be myself as a little girl. I’m 20 now, and trying to heal from 9 years of pain and being so lost has not been easy. Getting out of that “I’m annoying” mindset is so difficult and making friends is even more difficult.
I know God is with me and I know who I am in Him, but it is still a daily thing that I have to tell myself that I am NOT annoying, people do like me and I do have friends. To be honest, this is an enormous reason I decided to do this trip. I mean, yeah I have a heart for missions, but really, to find myself and learn to make friends, I mean that’s bound to happen, I’ll be with the same people for 11 months, right?
I am not sure that there is a proper way to end this blog, and if there is, I do not know how. I’ve been debating whether or not to share this part of my testimony, but God knows what He’s doing so here it is.
