Everything means nothing and being nothing means everything.
Lately, I have been struggling with what to write.
Will it be good enough?
Will it satisfy my supporters?
Will it come from the heart?
The pressure and weight from it all became so unbearable and frustrating. I felt nervous and anxious about writing because I don’t have crazy God stories or stories of faith that are visible and tangible to others. I just have stories about the invisible, intangible and crazy ways that God has rocked my world deep inside my heart. I only have the truths that He has buried deep inside my heart, and that I am fervently seeking to uncover because it draws me closer to the King. He has written such beautiful and encapsulating stories upon my heart that so often I do not desire to uncover the mystery, but just to relish in the joy of seeking it.
Proverbs 25:2
It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;
To search out a matter is the glory of kings.
As I deliberate within my heart whether or not to uncover such unfathomable and perfect truths, one thing remains. That whether or not He chooses to reveal such intimate details of His character, I stand amazed at Him. I stand in awe and wonder at His beauty and power. I stand in awe of how he orchestrates all things, the wickedness and the righteousness, of this world. I stand and marvel at how no one is out of the reach of God’s grasp, and that I do not decide who I choose to love or not to love because I have chosen to love Him.
“He felt Himself the Servant of God for the men whom God made and loved; as a natural consequence, He counted Himself as the Servant of men, that through Him God might do His work of love.”
-Andrew Murray, Humility
Papa, I desire that no matter where I stand in my life or how many times I fall and feel trampled on, that I would continue to seek Your face through those times. That I would count myself blessed to be able to see Your deep work within my heart. That I would thank You for the times I feel like I am not making a difference because in those time I know you are. That I would deliberately and continuously seek out the mysteries of Your character because they are endless and nourishing. I pray that I would rejoice and count myself blessed that You reveal Yourself to me in unseen ways because “faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1. Papa, fill my heart with rejoicing of the faith that I have in You. Test my heart and know me, God. Refine me through the fire and burn off my wickedness and lead me down the path of righteousness from everlasting to everlasting. Papa, thank You so much for loving me and guiding me, for rescuing me and redeeming me, for refining me and shaping me. My life is yours. Please empty me until all I bare is an empty soul with a passionate and humble cry that Your presence may come and fill. I love you. Amen.
