What is this?
This great love that I get to partake in!? What is this freedom that I am not used to. I feel so light…feeling as if I’m doing something wrong because I’ve been so heavy for so long.
I wrote this in my journal about a month before I left for the Race.
12/7/2016
“What reality do I live in? Why do I make the decisions that I make and whom do I serve under? Who do I listen to and obey? Is it myself, or is it truly you God? If only I could understand the fact that this life is not my own. That my body was bought with a price. May I understand how insanely loved I am. How the choices I make now, affect my eternity. Jesus I need you, break my heart for what breaks yours.”
God revealed a harsh reality to me my first month of being on the race. That as soon as we take our eyes off God, we become the god of our own lives…so when we go to church every Sunday, believing to be worshiping God, we’re really only worshipping ourselves. I realized how in so many ways back in the states, I was the god of my own life and my soul was in such agony because of it. I knew there was more..I longed for more.
I so desperately wanted Jesus to be the ruler of my heart and of my life, but there were many idols in the way, and I knew those would have to be crushed in order for Jesus to take back His rightful place on the throne of my heart. We all know that fear…that gut wrenching fear of letting go…and the pain that follows that…but man, you guys! God’s grace….God’s love, God’s patience! It is His kindness that leads us to repentance and what a beautiful thing!
Even when I didn’t truly believe He was good, when I was choosing the world over Him…time and time again he dusted me off and put me back on the path. The months between training camp and launch were rough…they were hard for a lot of people on my squad. I felt worthless…like a disappointment…like I wasn’t good enough to go on the Race. I had this paralyzing fear that I was going to miss what God had for me because of my sinful choices. I was entangled in sin, a slave to it…I cried out to Him, and He heard my cry.
What is this!? This love, this mercy…WHAT IS THIS!? It’s God…the 3 months I have been on the Race have been full of pruning, deliverance and freedom. And learning to walk in freedom because you forget what it feels like!
For the first 2 months, there was a lot of striving, feeling as if I had to catch up from all the things that I had missed. As if I had to prove to God that I was “serious” this time.
The last week of being in Nepal, God broke me. I reached the end of my self. Sitting on the edge of a cliff, looking out at the mountains with tears in my eyes…. I was done. “I can’t do this!” I cried out “I can’t love people with out you..I can’t do it out of my own strength, I’m too selfish.” Even being across the world, it’s amazing to me how real your struggles still are, they don’t go away just because of a change of scenery. You have to deal with them, face them, and ask yourself hard questions. A hard question I have been asking my self is “Do I really believe God is good? Do I believe He is good to me?” Because the root of sin, I’ve come to find, is unbelief.
In that moment, facing my mountain, God so graciously said to me “Klancy…you worry too much. It’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are.”
As we seek love and and acceptance, God doesn’t want us to test Him; He wants us to trust Him. When He says we are holy and dearly loved Children, we must trust that this is true. I have such a fighter mentality…feeling like I have to fight for what I want, strive to where I need to be. Feeling like I need to climb my mountain head on. When really, Jesus wants me in the fields with Him, resting in His goodness, in His presence. The victory is already won! He fights our battles for us!
He moves our mountains, because we are His children…and He loves us…He loves us you guys!!
I blog like I talk, so I hope your tracking with me!
I’m gonna end this blog with ??Philippians? ?3:8-14
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
Something I love about this verse is that Paul, PAUL! The Paul! Admits that he doesn’t have it all together! But he continues to press on. Forgetting the past and moving forward with Christ! Sometimes I read articles or blogs like this and it can actually discourage me because I think, “it sounds like they have it all together with their walk with Christ.” But I’ve realized, life is messy, and God works through the messy! And there is no comparison, everyone is where they are suppose to be in their walk. I have learned the key is to be thankful!
What is this? This Unfathomable, Unconditional love…it is Christ, for He meant it when he said, it is finished.
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