…and I’m glad He’s not a sympathy puker because if we are being honest, that could have made it really messy!
This blog may not be pretty but it is real, raw, and vulnerable so read on if you don’t mind the messiness.
You know that moment where you are so upset that your breathing becomes labored, your stomach starts to get tight, and you just want to vomit?
The other night I had my first real “freak out” moment regarding The World Race and that is how I felt. I laid in bed trying to sleep but my stomach kept turning, slowly working its way into my throat.
Jesus was getting the full effect of my anger. Why in the world would He call ME to The World Race?! Of all people, shouldn’t Jesus know best that I don’t particularly like traveling outside of the U.S.? Doesn't He know that I tend to quickly wear myself out in large groups of people? And shouldn't He be aware that while I don’t love living with my parents, I also don’t want to be thousands miles away with limited communication.
As my stomach turned, I vomited all over Jesus (word vomit of course). I let Him know how I didn’t want to leave my family. How much I hated traveling outside the U.S. And I let Him know just exactly how much I didn’t want to do The World Race. I was throwing my punches.
But if there is one thing I have learned in the past year, it is that my God is a gentle God. My God is a real God who desires for us to be real. He held my hair back while I vomited my feelings right onto Him. He took my punches without even a flinch. Instead of being upset with me, He grabbed me, embraced me and my messiness, and wrapped His arms around me in a hug so tight that you can’t help but feel loved, so deeply loved. It was in that moment that my anger turned to tears because when you know you are loved so deeply your attention is turned away from you and onto the One who is loving you.
As I looked up into a face that read compassion, grace, and love, I realized that I was in a place I never wanted to leave. I was reminded that Jesus wants us to be so close to Him that you can feel His heart beating, that you can feel His breath on your head, and that you can feel the squeeze of His fingers. There is safety and security when you are wrapped so tightly in the arms of Jesus.
In that embrace, I had to stop fighting and just surrender. My anger wasn’t really at Jesus calling me to The World Race anyway.
It was at my inadequacies to being called to something so great. It was at my challenge to recognize that maybe, just maybe I was worth the investment of my God, worth the investment of The World Race staff, and worth the investment of my squadmates/teammates. It was at my challenge to recognize that God WANTS to take me on this journey. It was at my fear of failing. My fear of not being lovable. My fear of not being the person God created me to be.
And by walking in that fear, I was living out that fear. God didn’t call me to be perfect. God doesn’t require me to be adequate (that’s why the Holy Spirit lives in me). God doesn’t care that I don’t have it all together and that I hate traveling.
All He asks is that I follow Him. And knowing that I’m following Him into this journey is the only comfort I need. Because when I follow Him, my eyes are on Him and I know that I can jump into His embrace at any moment.
By taking my eyes off of Him and focusing on me (really, I was just being selfish and making excuses why I shouldn’t go on The World Race), I prevented myself from being close enough to Jesus to feel His heart beat.
In His gentle but stern ways, He led me back to Him. And in leading me back to Him, He reminded me of why I was going on the World Race.
This journey may be hard. It may be challenging. But it may also be the most unforgettable, incredible, life changing journey of my life. He chose me for this moment and because of that I have to know that it is going to be good. It is going to change me. And it will ultimately draw me closer to Him and as I draw closer to Him, I only hope to reflect who He is even more.
I’m following Him.
PS- Training Camp blog to come in the next few days. Be prepared.
