This has the potential to be a VERY long Blog, so I’m going
to attempt to keep it as short as possible without leaving out any of the juicy
details.
I was asked to recount the way I have decided upon this
latest adventure of mine, and so I will attempt to condense YEARS of preparation
(as far as God was concerned) and tempering into less than a few internet
pages.
As long as I could remember, I’ve loved the wind. Especially
in October. Maybe it was nostalgic because it was my birthday month, but
something about the way the fall wind blows in Florida, I’ve always sensed a
call to run. To run away from the present, to run away from the past. To run to
the future, to a place I’ve never known, a place that didn’t bear so many bad
memories. To disappear from the existence I hated. To disappear from myself.
Something in the wind always drew out the part of me that wanted to travel the
most. And so I would cry at night, in October, feeling the pull of a call I
thought I could never answer.
Also, along those lines, I’ve always been an artist. I’ve
always found refuge in art, as it was a way to escape the harsh reality of what
I lived in. Whether you consider fiction writing or painting an art, I do not
care. It was just who I was, something I accepted as a talent I never felt
really very “good” at. I considered myself mediocre, as only comparing yourself
to the heroes you look up to could. I never figured I’d be good enough with my
art or my writing to be much of anything to the world. So I never tried. I held
onto those creative aspects of my soul in secret, ashamed to let anyone into
that world, because if I had, they might consider me a freak. Burying myself in
my own little world, I was perfectly content to never come out.
So then what happens? What happens when God gets a hold of
us? What happens when we seek Him with all our hearts? The bible tells us that
all these things will be added unto us. What does that even mean? I’m still not
sure, but I think I’m beginning to find out.
For years I buried the desire to travel and do art because
of so many reasons. There really isn’t enough time or attention span for me to
explain why I felt inadequate to do anything
with my art or even for God, if
indeed that was what I wanted. I just didn’t think I was good enough. I wanted
to go but I held myself back. “Go where?” was always a question I didn’t have an
answer to.
I remained this way for too long. So to cut to the chase, I’ll
skip ahead to last year, on the mission trip called The World Race. It is a
trip of 11 countries in 11 months, and I had only recently felt a call on my
life for missions, but I didn’t know what or where. I figured, that if I went
to 11 countries and participated in 11 different ministries, SURELY I’d find
SOMETHING I was called to and passionate about.
The people involved with the World Race aim (no pun
intended) to help people along a road that begins with Abandonment, followed by
brokenness, dependency, empowering and calling. Most of AIM staff are happy if
Racers get to the dependency stage by the end of the race, though most find
themselves in the empowerment area, and even some get as far as “calling” by
the end of the race.
Come month 9, I was JUST beginning to figure out what
dependency meant, that being, dependency on God and Christian brethren. I had
no idea that empowerment and calling would come so quickly. I met an alumni racer in Nicaragua, my 9th
country, who basically changed my perspective of life in an instant.
I had already made plans to return home and return to my
previous job, maybe lead a real-life trip or something along those lines. I had
just given up on finding my “calling” as far as missions were concerned,
because I had already seen 8 countries, and though I was loving central America,
I still wasn’t certain this was where God wanted me.
Then on a rooftop, in one of the windiest cities in
Nicaragua, during the middle of a worship session, this alumni racer came to me
and told me, “Kirsten, you have been created for a purpose. God designed you with
specific talents to do something only
you can do.” Of course, in my skeptical, cynical heart, I answered, “Well,
yeah. God created EVERYONE with a purpose and a plan. It says so in Jeremiah
29:11.” She stopped me and said, “No, Kirsten. YOU. You are SPECIAL. Your
talents are SPECIAL. The purpose God has for you is something only YOU can do.”
I accepted that at the time. I didn’t know what she meant,
but I accepted it in my heart. Later on that month, we had a conversation about
John 3. It is the chapter where Nicodemus comes to Jesus, and they have that famous
interaction about “Being Born Again.” It talks about being born of flesh and
water, but there is a little verse in the middle of this passage that says,
Verse 8: “The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but
cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born
of the Spirit.” I’ve never understood this verse until now, because the alumni
was telling me about a member of her squad who couldn’t wait to get home and
get back to “normal” life. He hurried himself into a 12 month lease, but by the
end of the first month, he was so eager to leave.
Why?
It is because people who are born of the Spirit, are born of
the wind. They are used to being “light”, and therefore able to move with the
wind, with the Spirit of God. When God says “go,” they can go, because they are
as light as a Spirit, they are as light as the Wind. When God breathes, they
are moved. Those who are born of the “flesh” or the reality, are not light.
They are heavy, and bogged down by the cares of this life. They have things
like debt, insurance, car payments, house payments. . . things that are not necessarily
bad, but things that are technically “of this world.” So therefore when God
breathes, they can’t just up and leave. . . because they have responsibilities.
(Disclaimer, people can be born of the Spirit and have responsibilities, that
isn’t the argument here. I’m just talking about what I discovered about
myself.)
So along comes month 11, and our last country, Guatemala. I
was in Antigua, which is one of the most inspiring cities I’ve ever been too.
All month long I had been enveloped in a rich culture focused on color and art and
wonder. . . and there were many times
that month where we would go out to the park and worship in our respective
abilities. My teammates played guitar and sang, and I drew pictures. I gave
them to the crowd of people, letting them speak to the masses about God in a
way they may have never seen before.
And I felt complete. As if something in my soul had been satisfied
from a hunger it never knew it had.
Later on that week, I was having a discussion with many of
my squadmates. We were talking about what lay after the race for each of us. They
all had plans and ideas, some of which were grandiose and others merely
stepping stones, but at least they had some direction. I felt a twinge of
despair, for as much as I LOVED my home, my roommates and church, and even my
job, I knew that if I spent any prolonged amount of time there in that place, I
would again begin to feel restless. I’d feel hopeless and unfulfilled, for
somehow I knew there was more for me, even if I didn’t know what that “more”
was.
I made the offhanded comment, more of a joke than reality,
and said: “Hopefully I don’t stay in West Palm for very long. Maybe I’ll just
live in my car and drive around and do artwork on the side of the road.”
My Beloved teammate, Jenny Sue Hill, then looks at me with
all seriousness and replied, “I thought about doing that once. Living out of my
car for a summer.”
It was in that moment, while Jenny was licking the extra
refried beans off of her spoon, when everything made sense. All of the
yearning, all of the art, all of the verses and encouraging words. Everything I
had ever prayed for and dreamed for, every wish, every tear, every hopeless cry
for purpose was answered. I could imagine God in His heaven, on His golden
throne, looking down at me in so much love, with a smile beginning to pierce
His lips as He watched the revelation of my call scream out of the past and
strike me dead in the heart.
I was cut to the quick, I felt as though imprinting had
taken place, the very moment I had ALWAYS been created for. God showed me what
He had created me for. For Freedom. For Creativity. For Imagination. For
bringing the Love of Jesus in a way NOBODY had ever seen before.
It was terrifying. My squad mates watched as my eyes grew
wide and I clutched my heart in panic. I think I may have even cursed in that
moment, as the revelation of what I am supposed to do came as suddenly as
someone stubbing their toe in the dark.
The verse, John 3:8, grasped onto my being. I was supposed
to be like the wind, and let the Spirit of God carry me along, to bring light
and color to a world so cold. A world so dark. So sad and lonely. My home.
I had briefly mentioned wanting to do an “art road tour” of
sorts about a couple of years ago. I never imagined God would actually answer
those prayers. I thought they were mere dreams. Flights of fancy. Now I
realize, it is in the dreaming where God can make Himself most manifest,
because dreams are things of fantasy. What is fantasy anyway, but the
fantastical account of impossible things made real? Whether they be seen as
supernatural or not, aren’t they all miracles? One in the same? It is He who
created us for eternity that has made these dreams possible. . . and that is
the most fantastic miracle of them all.
