As I was lying down today for a nap I started thinking about
some things that I haven’t thought about in a long time.
I’ve recently been blessed with amazing friends and a
spiritual family, I’ve never felt so “healthy� in all of my life. Things just
seem to be so effortless right now, and I imagine sometimes if I can see myself
as one of those “annoying� people who seem to have it all together.
I can assure you I don’t.
Letting my mind wander is a terrible pastime. If I don’t
control my thoughts, they will mercilessly lay siege to my emotions.
I remember how difficult it used to be to fend off attacks
from the enemy. I don’t know why or how it’s gotten easier, but I am so
grateful it has. When I was younger I remember being a slave to my emotions, usually
sparked by random thought processes. I’ve gotten better at controlling my
thoughts and therefore fending off emotional attacks, but even now they still
creep up when I least expect it.
One of my biggest struggles when I was younger was about
being loved. Not so much that I wasn’t going to be loved, but rather about how
I always felt like I loved others more than they loved me. I struggled with
relationships because I placed un-realistic expectations on other people. So
even now, when I’m not paying attention, I’ll think about that. Even with all
of the great people in my life, I sometimes wonder if I love too fiercely. I
wonder why people never seem to care as much about me as I care about them. I
hear people I love tell others they love them, and it bothers me because I feel
ignored.
It makes me so angry. When I’m angry I cry. I hate to cry.
Somehow, when I’m crying, I start thinking about all of the OTHER things that I’ve
screwed up. I start remembering ALL of the ways people failed me.
If I don’t control my thoughts, I feel absolutely miserable.
So I guess that is the choice. Sometimes I choose to remember
the junk in my life, and it immediately brings me back to my misery. I remember
how people are infallible, how they are broken and imperfect. I remember how I
just wish people would know my ever need before I ask, so that they can satisfy
me.
Then I realize, I am placing people in a position that
should only be occupied by God.
I find that if I fixate my mind with the way that God has
loved me, it usually isn’t that hard to ignore my foolish thoughts.
That is the secret to being miserable. Obsess over the way
things used to be, rather than how God has blessed you. It seems like such a simple concept, yet it seems
to always slip my mind at the most inopportune times.
