I’m camping out.
On Facebook. Waiting for someone to say something interesting for me to comment on. But apparently my friends actually have lives, so they’re not updating their status as quickly as I’d like.
Maybe I should switch to Twitter.
Anyway.
I looked at my last blog post. . . the one where I freaked out a little, feeling crushed by the weight of the world. As it turned out, I think it was just the weight of my thoughts. Which feels like the world sometimes.
So many cool things have happened lately, and to utilize the word “cool” to describe them really doesn’t do them justice. . . but it kind of goes with this “hippy vibe” I’ve been feeling lately. My days, as packed full as they are, have been quite relaxing. I’ve been painting a mural at my church, for their new Children’s wing.
It’s kind of interesting, how things seemed to have turned around so fast for me. One day, I was still kind of lost in a mood of “Pity me and my horrible life” and the next, I feel like I’m looking at the world with brand new eyes.
How could things be any more beautiful than they are now?
I have, quite possibly, the best roommates I could ever hope for. I love them both very much. They are like the family I’ve always needed, but never really had. Even if April doesn’t always wipe up the counter after making her lunch or if Megan leaves her flip flops in the middle of the floor for me to trip on. . . I love that about them. It’s quirky and imperfect and I love it. I’ve never been so happy to take out the trash or clean someone else’s dishes before.
And I have more friends than I can count. Ones that actually DO love me and care about my mental health. Friends that give rather than take all the time. Friends that have become that “Healing Ointment” that the bible always mentions. I always wondered what God meant by that when He put it in there. Now I know. I can feel the terrible wounds of the past melting away as the antibiotic of Love is applied to my life. Sure, scars remain, but they aren’t as noticeable anymore.
I have been given so much. God has poured out blessing upon blessing upon blessing on my life. So undeserved, but so welcome. I’m no longer concerned about money, because I somehow keep making it, even without a full time job. People have looked into my life and see something they want to stand behind, and so they give to my mission trip. I always wondered what it would be like if I really let Jesus abide in me. I think I’m starting to learn what that finally means. I have nearly nothing, and yet I have everything. This is the contradiction of the gospel, lose the world, and gain your soul.
I’m so glad to finally have found mine. The mirror has never been so inviting before. I have never been able to look at myself and say, “I love that person who is staring back at me.” And now, I look at my reflection and say, “I have no idea who you are, but you are lovely.”
I like to think that I am seeing Jesus. He looks nothing like me. For that, I am so glad.
I still wonder about the next year, and what it will bring. I am nervous, scared, excited, and torn. I don’t want to leave my new loves. I still feel inadequate. I’m kind of terrified of seeing God. He is not a tame lion, after all.
I think that this year to come is something I can say that I’ve been waiting my whole life for. I’ve seen it coming, far off in the distance, but I never knew what it was before. Now that I can see that edge of the cliff, and it’s time to jump off. My only question is, head first, or feet first?
