11 months ago, I experienced my last World Race travel day. Our squad departed from Dublin, made a quick stop in Philly, and then arrived at Boston Logan airport. There were moms, dads, sisters, and grandma’s waiting in anticipation with “Welcome Home!” banners. Hugs all around. Tears, smiles, hello’s and goodbye’s. The most bittersweet moment of my life. I was one of the last people to leave. I think it’s because I was prolonging the inevitable: being separated from my squad.
I gave my last hug to my teammate of 11 months and then stepped foot outside the airport with no one standing next to me. There was no one to help me with my extra bags (I always had so many). I got into a taxi van all by myself and headed to a nearby hostel. Even as I type, tears flood my eyes as I remember the twinge of sadness I felt sitting alone in that van. I was used to always having a bus buddy, someone I could chat with for hours or be completely silent with. Someone to share snacks with or…not share snacks with. I’ll be honest, sometimes I hoarded my stash of peanut butter. Future racers: Sharing really is caring. I journeyed thousands of miles with my squad and then it was time to leave them.
4 days later I flew home to Texas and reunited with my parents. My Dad held a sign that said, “Howdy Kirbs!” (So fitting) I ended up spending 5 months at home which I’ll say was one of the hardest seasons of my life. Granted, if I could turn back time (cue the classic Cher song..), there are so many ways I would of handled “re-entry” differently. I stayed cooped up in my room, afraid of the unknown path before me. I began struggling with the same habitual sin patterns that I battled with before the race. I cried a lot and was too prideful to go back to counseling. I dealt with intense shame and condemnation and even the thought of going to the dentist or the grocery store caused me anxiety.
After several months of trying to figure out what to do with my life, I settled on applying for a sales job in Houston. I knew it wasn’t the right fit for me and I remember thinking in my interview, “Why am I even here? I have no passion for this.” The night before my 3rd round interview, I was trying to figure out an outfit to wear when the Holy Spirit came over me and I fell to my knees and began to weep. I was undone. I felt the Lord say, “Lay everything down at my feet and go to Georgia.” My response: “Really, Lord? Leave? Forsake this job opportunity? I have no money. What if no one understands or approves of my decision?” And just like He prompted me before the race, I heard the word, “Go.”
So, I packed up my little white car and moved to Gainesville. Coming here was like a breath of fresh air, something new and exciting. I was relieved to be in place of intentional community but the struggles I was dealing with at home didn’t go away once I came here. I simply dealt with them around people instead of alone in my room. To be completely honest, the struggle is still very real and I’m learning to be OK with the fact that I have frailties, that I’m imperfect and beautiful because of it. I received a word or encouragement a couple months ago from a girl who didn’t know anything about me and she said (with tears in her eyes), “Kirby, you’ve been in some deep waters and the Lord is bringing you out so you can breathe again.” She then went on to say, “He is giving you such a sweet song to sing to Him. It’s only between you and Him and it’s lovely.”
He has given me a song to sing to Him. Some of those words have been, “You see me and you know me” sung over and over again. Well, 2 weeks ago the worship team at AIM played the song, ‘Through and through’ by Will Reagan. I had never heard it before. The main chorus is, “You see me, you know me, and You love me through and through.” I immediately thought, “These are the lyrics the Lord has been giving me!!! This is it!!” I’ve had the song on repeat ever since. Can’t get enough.
Now here I am, 11 months after the race and I can confidently say that He sees me, He knows me, and loves me through and through-all the pain, the heartache, the tears, the frustration, the JOY (there’s been a lot of JOY-PRAISE HIM), the let downs, etc. In every season, He is good and faithful.
A word of encouragement for current racers, recent alumni, or those in the same boat as me: God CAN and WILL do exceedingly more than all that you ask for or imagine.
Believe it. Declare it.
He brings freedom abundantly. He brings joy abundantly. He brings hope abundantly. He IS the more you are seeking after.
“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.”-Shauna Niequist
