I put everything off. I wait until the last minute. I overwhelm myself with a long to-do list but my paralyzing fear prevents me from accomplishing any of it. I know procrastination is a struggle for many but for me, it's something I punish myself for. I feel terrible for not following through. I re-iterate condemning thoughts in my head which heightens the amount of anxiety I feel. Oh, what a vicious cycle I put myself through! This struggle started to weigh heavily on me in the days leading up to the World Race. I was constantly on the go trying to get everything done and I couldn't help but hear the words, “Seriously, Kirby! You've been planning to go on the WR for years and you've put this ______ (a million different things) off until NOW?! You are so unprepared. You will never break free from this struggle. You will always live in fear.” I must say, it was quite difficult for me to break agreement with these lies.
For example, I've needed to write THIS BLOG for over a week now. Note: I said needed, not tried. I've repeatedly told my teammates, “I need to write a blog.” Instead of intentionally making time to sit down and try to express my thoughts through words, I allowed fear to consume me. What fear? Fear of writing something that no one will read. Fear of writing something not worth reading. Fear of not communicating my thoughts well. Etc.
For the past several months, I have been learning about what it means to have integrity by honoring your word. I signed up for the WR knowing that I would have to commit to writing 2 blogs a week. I can choose to honor that commitment and follow through, or I can willfully choose not to. Some may think, “Calm down, it's just a blog.” For me and for the majority of World Racers, this blog is about sharing with friends, family, future racers, and several others about what God is doing in and through us. So here I am, making a commitment to all those who read my blog that I will honor my word and not let fear hold me back from following through! I've also learned over the past several months that we WILL at some point turn back on our word and show a lack of integrity. The next step in this process is re-committing to what you intentionally promised to do. We commit and then we break our commitments. I choose to re-commit. I choose to not let fear be my default. I choose to not let procrastination be an ongoing vicious cycle. I choose to write blogs even when I feel like my words will be used for nothing. My prayer is that I would use this blog as an outlet to share and proclaim about the mighty wonders of what God is doing all around the world! Yes!
Now it's time for me to go meet up with my team and tell them I finally finished writing this. I know they will cheer me on because they love me. 🙂
Here's to blogging and being transparent! For me, joining the two will at times be difficult but I'm ready to take it on.
