God has been telling me a lot lately. Now that we’ve been abroad for over three and a half months, I’ve started to realize that I think I may prefer local ministry more than global, when I thought the opposite going into this trip.
He’s been doing a lot with my identity as well. I feel like my identity is a Boggle game. I feel like it has been completely shuffled and tossed around that I don’t really know who I am anymore and now I have to find my identity. Its kind of getting frustrating. But I know that confusion about my identity is a good thing. Its the beginning of me finding out who I truly am.
I was thinking about who I am, it made me think of all the cliche things people tend to tell each other like, “you are His daughter, you are His beloved, with you He is well pleased…” Usually when people tell me those things, I get annoyed because they are so cliche and I just kind of tune them out until they’re finished. But as I was thinking of all the cliche statements I started to hear it in a completely different way. Instead of having the emphasis on the “YOU are His daughter, YOU are His beloved, with YOU He is well pleased…” I started hearing the emphasis on God, “you are HIS daughter, you are HIS beloved, with you HE is well pleased.”
I’ve come to the realization lately that God wasn’t wanting me to hear the YOU part of those statements but the HIS part of the statements. I’ve learned that my relationship with God is lukewarm and that most of my heart has been scattered around, to my parents, my friends, boyfriends, etc. Its almost like I’ve been spreading myself thin and have always been trying to find myself in other people in my life rather than in God.
I’m still struggling with what it means to truly Love God. I’ve always said I love God but do I really?
Like I said, i feel like i’ve been stuck inside a bottle and shaken around and now i am so confused and lost about who I am, but i’m slowly starting to see the bigger picture. Even though its kind of hard feeling this way, the fact that I will come out of this much more confident and who I truly am makes this process less painful .
