Disclaimer: this is me rambling.
I’ve been struggling with the whole “God knows the desires of our hearts” idea. When God knows the desires of our hearts, what does He do with those desires? Does He do anything with them? Why does it seem that my desires never seem to align with God’s desire for my life?
People always say to me, “God knows the desires of your heart, don’t worry”. It seems to me that my desires turn into His months down the road. I’m starting to believe I don’t even know my hearts desires anymore I need to find a better word for desires.
One of the biggest fears I have right now is that after the race I won’t end up in Orange County, that I’ll end up in Vacaville, another state (eek!) or another country. I was talking with my roommates before I left that I want to come home to Costa Mesa when I’m done. Christina said to me “you watch, you’ll end up in another country”. I told her I don’t want to end up anywhere else other than Orange County, and she said, “well if you end up somewhere else, its because you’ll want to end up there”.
When she said that, it freaked me out. I started to pray against my heart changing so much that I would end up elsewhere. Then I realized what I was really praying for: for God to let me remain where I am, that I won’t grow on this trip.
I know I’ve always been hesitant to change. I love my life the way it is. I have amazing friends, (had) a job that I loved, and go to a great church with a wonderful Life Group. There really isn’t much to complain about.
I think the reason I’m so afraid about where I end up is because my desire (right now) is to come home and carry on with my life, still changed by the World Race, but to come HOME. Since that’s the desire of my heart and where I’m comfortable (and we all what God does when we’re comfortable) I’m afraid that my desires will change.
That probably didn’t make any sense. Its just that I’ve noticed one of my biggest “desires” hasn’t been going my way (since it is, after all, all about me). This is going nowhere. I think when it comes down to it, I’m really afraid of who and where I am going to be when the race is done. I LOVE my life the way it is, I have nothing to complain about whatsoever, but the thought of it being any different scares me. But I do want to take God out of the tiny box I have had Him in and I want to grow as a woman of God. I just hope I can do it and still keep the life I love.
