I am done living as the “Perfect Christian.” I am tired of pretending that I have everything together. As I walk around the streets of Ho Chi Minh City I see so much brokenness. I realize I know the truth, God’s truth, but I am so full of pride that I am not living with total freedom. Why do I live under a rain cloud of perfectionism, jealousy, and comparison that I have put over myself?
I started hovering under this cloud when I wanted to be just like my sister, Amy, in high school. I told myself that I had to graduate with the most awards, honors, and in the top ten. I was so jealous of the reputation she had created that I had to achieve all the same things and more or else I was a “nobody”. I promised myself that I wouldn’t focus on my perfectionism through college, but I fell.
The small area under the cloud was all I knew. In college, I stayed up stressing over pointless papers, took classes to please my parents, and never said no to an opportunity. By graduation I felt like I was on top of the world. I had so much bling at graduation, made the highest Latin honor, received several graduation awards, and was featured in the newspaper and on the college’s website home page. On top of all that, I was leaving to travel the world with a purpose for a whole year. In my mind, I had perfected what it looked like to graduate college and I had finally “beat Amy”. I didn’t realize it, but I had a lot of pride because I had lived my life through a lens of comparison to my sister.
I left for the race and was excited for adventure, new cultures, and whatever lay ahead of me to help people. God, however, had a different plan. Yes, He had intended for me to have thrills and experience things I never imagined myself doing, but He was more concerned with my heart. God called me to the race to change me from the inside out and free me to be a whole new Kimmy.
I have been blessed with the team “Gentle but Fierce” who have spoken life into me. They brought out my gifts of joy, love, peace, and my heart for the Lord through worship. They encouraged my calling and boldness as I pressed into my gift of faith.
I began to realize that I had put part of my identity into being a “raging extravert” and that I was not happy unless I was surrounded by people. My team called me higher and challenged me to press into the Lord. I began to ask myself: Do I really believe in His freedom and faithfulness?
I have experienced crazy and amazing things that only God can explain, but why do I fall back into comparison, jealousy, and perfectionism? I will be free from the lies I have believed once I really grasp the power of the cross.
You are loved.
You are beautiful.
You are good enough.
Your worth was settled at the cross.
Learning to be content in all situations is not easy, but necessary. I am not perfect and I am done living and pretending like I am. Jesus says that “apart from me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5b) Is there something that God is asking you to lay down to walk in freedom from? It is our choice everyday to not pick it back up, but to press into the Father and trust that what He has for us is better than our comfortable baggage.
As I decide to lay down my unnecessary burdens everyday of jealousy, perfectionism and comparison, and take up my gifting of faith, I know I will experience the true freedom God is eager to give away.
This month we are in Vietnam! My team is finding Unsung Heros in Ho Chi Minh City, (Saigon) and Da Lat. We are looking for new organizations that AIM can partner with in the future. We spend an hour a day praying and listening for the Lord’s direction as a team for where He wants us to go and do for the day. We have met so many people who have helped us network our way to furthering the kingdom here.
Vietnam is a closed country. It is not illegal to be a Christian, but it is to be a foreigner and come in to spread the gospel. Does that stop us? NO! We have had so many divine encounters with people. We ran into a past World Racer who helped us network. We also were approached by an agnostic university student who wanted to practice her English with us. We have gotten together with her and her friends several times, were able to share the gospel, go to a bible study, and just simply talked about our lives and cultures. God has been so faithful and provided more than I imagined He would!
As always, sending so many prayers home! Love you all!
Kimmy
