I am terrified, nervous and all I want to do is have everything under control. But I cannot control the race. The reality is God is teaching me to rely on him. I physically do not have enough money to pay for this trip out of pocket and I cannot earn enough money in the time I have left to pay for it. I have to trust that if God has called me to go on the race that He will provide. This is all God.
And yes, I can say it all I want and think it, but until the head knowledge becomes heart knowledge, my anxiety and distrust will never cease. I know that my first step is to pray- some genuine and heartfelt prayer. Yep, I admit it, I have been scared to pray. Maybe that sounds weird, but what if this really does become a reality? I know God is big enough but I am scared to travel around the world, leaving my comfort zone of Durango, leaving my community and my loving family. So sometimes I am scared to pray because I know how big God is and I know he is capable of anything.
But then I am reminded that God grants us the desires of our hearts and his peace surpasses all understanding. I love traveling, experiencing new cultures, serving people, and just talking about Jesus. That is a desire of my heart. So maybe I am praying for the wrong thing. Maybe my prayer is focused on my fears more than finding peace in God’s goodness. Maybe what I need to be praying for is more of God and less of me because it is God who will make everything possible. He is my comfort, strength and rock. He will protect me from sickness, from loneliness, from depression- from everything. He calls us to drop everything and follow him. So maybe I need to switch my prayer focus from a plea of help to a shout of admiration. I want to glorify God which I believe will bring peace to my heart and focus from my trouble to trust in his call.
I would love to come to you right now and say that I have surrendered all my troubles to God and that I trust him completely, but that would be a complete lie. I am learning that some of the most exciting things that are about to happen in my life are out of my control and I have to let God take over. I have to let go and let God.
