With December 31st less than 24 hours away, I can’t help but reflect on this passing year.
Was this year worth it? Did I make it count, or did I squander it away? Did I make the most of every moment?
Am I different than I was 364 days ago? Did I make a difference to somebody else this year?
Did I advance God’s kingdom?
Although it isn’t filled with all of the adventure and excitement that I had in 2007, this year was definately worth it. I have learned a lot about what it takes to keep going when there is little motivating you. Life isn’t always full of momentum and inspiration. Sometimes there is nothing driving you or nobody pushing you, and although you really just want to sit on your haunches and pout, you have to choose to push forward. You have to choose action, whether you feel like it or not. Sometimes you even have to lead when you have no idea how to lead yourself. Sometimes the only way to learn is to try, and if you fail, try something else.
I can’t say I’ve done a great job of that this year. I’ve spent far too much time sitting on my haunches pouting, thinking about all the things that are not as I wish they were instead of doing what I can with what I have in the place where I am. I’m supposed to be helping the spiritual formation and developement of five young people placed in our care, but I feel like I have nothing to offer them. I often feel like I should be in their place. But, God is gracious, and He teaches us through our weakness. I’ve learned a lot about my character and have recognized many self-defeating patterns. I’ve mostly learned about leadership in my failure to do so. In seeing these things, I am faced with a choice. I can continue to feel sorry for myself or feel pathetic and helpless and give in to defeat, or I can choose to believe that Jesus really did redeam me and make it possible for me to be something better. There is a stirring in my spirit that tells me the latter is true, so I choose that. What about you?
In the first chapter of Joshua, God commands Joshua to rise up and lead his people across the Jordan into the promised land to receive their inheritance. The Jordan river had been a boundary they were unable to cross for 40 years. It was in many ways a symbol of their defeat. But now God was saying to rise up and conquer that river.
I believe that is God’s message to me for 2009. It is time to get up and cross that river that has held me back for much too long. All of those fears and insecurities, feelings of rejection and inferiority; they are my Jordan river. But it’s time to rise up and cross the river and leave failure and dissapointment behind. It is time to walk into my inheritance and posess it.
It is my desire to invest my whole life, my time, my money, my talents and all into God’s kingdom. But whether I succeed or fail, God will always invest his best in me. That’s so confounding yet so amazing to me. How can I not rejoice.
Now I look ahead into 2009 and think about the ways that I can invest in God’s kingdom. Not because of how good it will make me look, or whether I will gain approval… but because He first loved me.
If you choose to invest in my this year, to support my ministry, I may let you down. I may not meet your expectations, or live up to your standards. I may dissapoint you. But I can assure you with complete confidence that God is at work here. God will bring His glory through this broken vessel, simply because it is what He has chosen to do. He has chosen to use me as His servant with all of my limitations and faults, and somehow He makes that work. It’s not really up to me at all. My only contribution is the yes in my heart that says have your own way Lord, have your own way.
Cheers to what 2008 was and to what 2009 will be.
