I have had my share of heartaches, mostly self-inflicted. Poor self-image and desperation lead to poor choices and consequences. I think you can all identify with that.
The whole idea of love has been on my mind a lot lately.People all around me are getting married, and one always has the question “Why not me?”. As I go deeper into the issues of my heart, I find more and more defenses – meant to protect me – that only increase my lonliness and despair. In an attempt to shield myself from pain, I have also blocked out joy, leaving me empty.
I know that I put up walls. I’m affraid to let people in, but then when I think there is hope I open myself completely and find myself trampled and plundered. It has happened many times. It’s no wonder that my heart trembles at the idea of getting close to anyone, but isolation is no substitute.
Somewere I lost the ability to filter my relationships. I lost the discernment to chose safe people, and the self-control to guard the sacred places of my heart for those who deserve access. I trust that the Lord will teach me this, but I am so affraid of my own vulnerability and failure. I don’t think I can handle another ambush. I am still struggling to recover from the last one and forgive myself for being so foolish. But I have to, or another part of me will die.
As I watch my sister, my friends, and other random aquaintences enter into marriage my heart skips a beat. As with all the other issues of my heart, I’m quite certain that there will be more tears before there is healing. All I can do is pray to God to help me keep my heart open and my head on straight, and trust Him with the rest.
