Since beginning our ministry here in the red-light district of Bangkok, I have struggled with my lack of emotion or reaction to the bar scene. In my mind, I know I don’t like what is going on there, but I didn’t feel any emotion about it.
I walked down the streets lined with girls trying to entice their next customer, and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t weep for them. I didn’t feel anything. I occasionally felt anger towards the men, but most of the time I felt nothing. I wasn’t even shocked by the barely dressed women or the pole dancers. The truth is, I have seen much of it before.
During my twenties, I was exposed to a lot of things I wish I could erase from my mind. Praise God that He protected me from getting involved in it, but the exposure I did have to it desensitized me a bit.
Many nights, I laid in bed asking God why I didn’t feel any deep compassion for these girls. I wanted to. The devil whispers to me that I don’t really care, but I know that is a lie. I begged God to let me feel some compassion or something. I was having a hard time even praying for them.
A few nights ago, we learned that a young girl was locked up and raped. As I laid in bed trying to pray for her, I began to think about how people deal with stuff like that. I began thinking about things in my past, and how I had shut a part of myself off to deal with the hurts I didn’t want to face.
I know these girls are doing the same thing. Every time they have to do something they really don’t want to do, they have to put up a shield to block the pain. Whenever that thing happens, the shield blocks the emotional response.
Then eventually, they have to do something else; maybe something even worse. They have to put up another shield against that thing. Eventually, there are so many shields up that all emotion is locked up inside.
I think that is why I haven’t had any emotion. Being in that scene triggers my shields to go up. I automatically block my emotions so I don’t have to face the things I don’t want to think about.
I have watched these girls when they don’t know I am looking. A guy walks down the street, and they put on the charm. They walk out and grab his arm and try to lure him in. If he accepts, they disappear into the club. If he declines, they go back to their seat and wait for the next opportunity.
It is in those moments of waiting that they put away the fake smiles. I see them starring vacantly off into nothing. All emotion is gone from their face, their eyes are empty.
It is in those empty eyes that I can see the pain they suffer in silence. Every girl we have talked to tells us that she does not like her job, with little or no hesitation. They all say they do it because it is the only way to make enough money to support their family.
I wonder what their families are doing while they are out working the bars. Do their parents even know where the money comes from, or are they deceived enough to think they are waitressing or something?
We have been told that people are very ignorant of these things in this country. Families from up north will pay somebody to get their kids a good job in Bangkok, not knowing that it will be in the sex trade. We have heard that even pastors have unknowingly sold girls into prostitution, believing that they were going to be waiting tables in restaurants.
I struggle to believe people could be that ignorant, but that information comes from a good source. It is hard to imagine though.
Tonight, we met with another group of girls that will be here for two years. They asked us to share a little about how we feel about Thailand and the ministry here. I shared about how I have struggled to feel anything, and while I was sharing, tears began to well up in my eyes. I got the feeling that God was doing something to break through the block.
After dinner, we went to find a few girls we had met the nights before. When we found the one girl, we sat to talk with her, but I was on the end away from her. I could not even hear what they were talking about.
There were two other girls playing a dice game at the end of the bar. I looked to see what they were playing, and one of them asked me if I wanted to play. I said yes, teach me how to play. So she sat next to me and we played dice and talked for a long time. I had a really good connection with her, and she was almost in tears when I had to go.
She has been working at this bar for a long time, so it will be hard for her to leave, but I know she wants to do something else. She just doesn’t know that she can. Please pray that our friendship will continue to develop, and that she will trust us enough to leave the bar.
Something changed in me tonight as I talked to this girl. I believe that I really do have a place here in this ministry, and that God will use me to rescue these girls. And as always, I believe He will rescue another part of me in the process.
