So I decided to follow my dreams and God’s dreams for my life, to go on a life-changing journey around the world, to live alongside other cultures, to do work for the kingdom, and to experience Jesus in a new way.
However even though I took this leap of faith I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, because I still had the symptoms of narcolepsy.
At training camp, they taught us a lot about healing and spirituality, things I have never heard much about before. I began to believe that God wants to heal me. I recall the story in John chapter 9 about the blind man who had been blind from birth. The Pharisees asked Jesus who had sinned, him or his parents, and Jesus said neither, but he was this way so that the power of God might be displayed through him. This story and many others, revealed to me that God didn’t want me to be sick, and he can make me well, if I trust and believe. I know that I will be well and healed completely one day, whether it’s in this life or the one to come. So believing this, I took a leap of faith and decided to go off my medication after training camp. I was a little nervous about this, because previously, I hadn’t even been able to sleep through the night without my medicine. I also still had two months left of the semester…could I really make it without my medicine? I decided to put my faith in God and go with it, and he was faithful.
I believe He began healing me right then, because for the first time in I don’t even know how long, I could sleep through the entire night, normally. But sometimes healing is gradual. We don’t know why or how God works, its all a mystery, but what’s for certain is that he does work in our lives.
However, launch rolled around in January and I was still having my normal symptoms of napping a lot during the day and still falling over when I laughed, as well as the others. I didn’t know how all of this would be, dealing with it out here, and honestly, its been hard at times.
A church setting isn’t ideal for narcoleptics…something so simple as trying to sit through a sermon is a struggle. Long ministry days are tough, because I often need a break to sit in the corner and nap for 5-15 minutes. If I fall over from laughing in front of people who don’t speak the same language, its very difficult to explain and many times they just don’t understand. Moreover, there is so much shame that comes from it, not feeling adequate, like I can’t do as much as others, like I am not contributing enough. There is also much frustration from being so misunderstood, especially to our friends and people who don’t speak much or any English.
However from all of these negative feelings have come positive things. I have learned how a community of people can come around you in so much love and support; they understand, and they fight for me. The make sure I get what I need, and don’t let me be so hard on myself. I have learned to love myself in my imperfections, because God sees me as perfect, and one day I will be. I have learned how to trust and rely on Him more fully. I have learned that I am special, loved, and able to be used in so many different ways by God. He gave me this story and he is going to use it for his glory.
It has not been easy dealing with this illness out here on the race, but I can tell you this: it has been worth it.
But God is not done with me yet…
