Wow its hard to believe that I’m already in month 4, but I want to rewind a little bit and share about some of the stuff the Lord is doing in my life. To be completely honest I left month 2 de-brief a bit of a mess and it kind of trickled into month 3 (Nicaragua). So here’s to vulnerability; something I still struggle with but realize the value of. Things must come to the light before they can be dealt with and healed. So here we go.
I came into the world race thinking I had it fairly together. I mean I had been a Christian for my whole life, I never strayed too far from the path. I made mistakes of course but I sure hadn’t lived the life some had. I mean I knew there were areas I needed to grow in, but I mean things weren’t that bad. HELLO PRIDE. So that was my first issue.
During our de-brief in Antigua, Guatemala end of month 2 I started experiencing the ugliest emotions, jealousy, more comparison issues, I felt alone, it was completely “out of the blue” even though I know it was just a push into realizing how many weeds were really hanging out in my heart. As we left to Nicaragua I knew that things had to change. I needed to start working through what I was feeling.
The first week in Nicaragua was tough. It was going to be a stretching month in all areas. My whole team was having a bit of a struggle adjusting, side note it did end up being the most amazing month, and my favorite in Central America. So one day we were chatting as a team and I asked my team a question. (I love to ask questions) I asked who talks the most out of our team? They all answered me, nearly at the same time. Sadly I was shocked, and that stirred something in me, why do I talk so much, do I make my words count. Are my words bringing more life or more death to people that hear them? I think that was the moment I really had more going on than I originally thought.
I was prayer walking shortly after all this had happened and the Lord started to show me all these areas that He wanted me to work on. I made a list of more than10 things, some of them were lies that the enemy had wanted me to believe and others I had believed about myself for many years. Others were legit things that I to deal with. Some of the things were jealousy, being judgmental, not confident, always comparing myself to others, needing to be in control, always needing to be the center of attention, I need man’s approval before God’s. AND ALL OF THESE THINGS FELT LIKE THE BIGGEST BURDEN TO ME. In the same token I was so blessed the Lord loves me enough to reveal this to me. My pride was shot to the ground. I had just as much junk as the next person, mine just looked different. Once I recognized the weeds then I could attack them, but only with my Father by my side. I needed to rest in His arms. Spending time with the Father was my first priority to de-weeding my heart. I also practically tried to tackle one lie per day, example for control, I quit asking questions about when and where; when it came to ministry or what the day would look like. I realized through this how many questions I was asking and honestly I needed to learn to just go with the flow. The next day I would ask myself why am I doing what Im doing, do I have an alternative motive…do I want attention? Were my words building up my teammates or tearing them down? It was a constant struggle to watch my tongue. But more than all of that, I was starting to view myself through the Father’s lenses; I needed to start speaking life into my life. I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE, I AM MADE IN THE IMAGE OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER. I AM CONFIDENT; I WALK IN THE AUTHORITY HE HAS GIVEN ME. Did things change over night? NO! Am I still working through struggles….YES…but it has been so sweet to go through brokenness so that I can be one step closer to the fullness of who my creator has called me to be.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
