Swaziland: A story of adventure, terror, and upset bowels.
The following is based on a true story:
Deep in the bush of Swaziland, near Nsoko, a young missionary lay asleep in his tent. The full moon cast its light upon the red sand, and the wind sang soothing melodies as it blew through the few trees that could survive such barren land. Despite the heat, the missionary was deep in sleep, dreaming of bacon burgers and Chipotle. When suddenly…
The missionary arose. What did he hear? Was it drums? Yes, surely, there were drums in the distance. The missionary didn’t think much of it and once again rested his head back onto his sweat stained pillow. A sudden realization swept across the missionary’s face. He had to go to the bathroom….Immediately. Unsure what end the previous nights meal would come out of he quickly put on pants and unzipped his tent. He slipped on his sandals and put his shirt on while running into the house.
The house had three modern toilets. A luxury by African standards. But the missionary quickly remembered something. All three toilets had broke the day of their arrival. Toilet paper was not to be flushed in the bush of Africa. If only they had known. What was the missionary to do?!
The missionary, being newly acquainted with the area, knew of three outdoor restrooms outside of the fenced area. But the fence had a padlock. The missionary eyed the fence, and determined that in his fragile state, he would be unable to climb it. Time was running out. The front door was the only way out. The missionary, attempted to quietly open the door, as to not wake up the others. The drums beating in his ears, was nothing compared to the gurgling noises coming from his stomach. To his dismay the front door had been locked from the inside. A key would be needed here as well. Panic set in.
The missionary began looking for the set of keys. “They must be somewhere!!” He exclaimed. He looked all around but could not find them. His stomach turned and churned as a single tear rolled down his cheek. When alas, he spotted the keys. An audible sigh of relief escaped his lungs. And he quickly began fumbling through the keys. The first key seemed to fit the hole, but wouldn’t turn. The second didn’t even fit the hole. Nor did the third. “What is happening?!” He thought. He tried the first key again, success.
The missionary looked back to his sleeping companions while simultaneously opening the doors. The doors creaked open. Freedom. Or so he thought. Another door, locked like the first. “You have to be freaking kidding me!” The missionary said in an audible whisper. The missionary was quite certain that soon the night was going to get much worse, and very soon.
By the grace of God the second key opened this locked door. A wave of emotional relief hit the missionaries soul. But a wave of physical relief was soon to follow. The missionary hopped, jogged and possibly crawled to the nearest port-a-potty. He opened the door with a smile. The smile quickly dissipated as he saw spiders of every kind crawling on the toilet. “Noooooo, anything but spiders”, he cried. Time was of the most utter importance. The next port-o-potty must be better, he thought. He opened the door and saw nothing but more spiders, and other bugs, a web was draped across the door. The third port-o-potty was located at the other side of the field. Would he make it? He didn’t know.
He ran like lightning to the last possible hope he had, all the way puking as he went. He had arrived. A tin box with a hole. A single spider lay in the corner. A giant Millipede next to it. “AHHHHHHHHHHH” The missionary yelled as he stomped on the adversary that lay between him and his throne. At last the missionary was able to accomplish the task. He exited the stall with a smile of victory. Then puked one last time. The distant drums stopped. All was well. The missionary went back to bed.
Thus concludes how this particular missionary’s first night in Swaziland went. Not me of course. I would never write a story like this about myself….it was totally me. As it turns out, just because you can find a burger joint in the bush of Africa, doesn’t mean you should eat there. Nor does it mean you should have a milkshake and two cokes either. Also there are some crazy bugs and animals here. Africa is no joke! Since being here I have seen/killed scorpions, camel spiders, and a freaking cobra. Yes, Tim Larue and I killed a spitting cobra! With a stick and a brick. There are so many crazy animals here its insane. The praying mantises have wings! Even the plants try to kill you. Everything has thorns and everything is poisonous. It is to the point where if the spiders aren’t moving towards you then you just let them be. Ain’t nobody got time to kill every black widow that is crawling around your stuff. Swaziland is the true African experience. Also, you will be happy to know that my stomach is fine now, and only one squad-mate has suffered a poisonous snake bite while in Africa so far. Gah I love this stuff. And I get to spend time helping local kids all month! This is adventure with a purpose.
If you feel called to donate please go to kevincrow.theworldrace.org
