Journal Entry – March 16
“Eternal insignificance. That phrase hit like a ton of bricks, cut like a knife, I felt it deep inside. I feel, I fear that that is the path that I am headed. People can say differently and say this or that, but that doesn’t mean much to me. It does not change the feeling inside me, the very real and crippling feeling of fear that I am headed for eternal insignificance. People may think it’s crazy, they may look or think about the things they see on the outside; what I let them see. Or maybe it’s what they want to see. But they don’t know the whole story. They don’t know what lies beneath. If they asked would I tell? Would I stand there raw and bleeding for others to see? For all to see. Here I stand. Raw and bleeding. Here I stand. For all to see. This is my fear that I hold deep inside and I don’t know what to do with it or how to deal with it. I want to change it, but because I live in such fear I cannot act or make the change. I want to be significant, have a purpose, make a difference and be known for something great.”
Much of my life I have allowed my fears to control me. But recently I made the conscience decision to explore the depths of their influence over me and to face the harsh realities I discover along the way head on. Through my intentional efforts, I began to understand that the majority of my fears are rooted in how others see me. I would often feel unworthy, unwanted, unnecessary, unnoticed, replaceable, dispensable, forgettable; eternally insignificance. These feelings would get me depressed and even less likely to do anything about overcoming the fears. I would claim that don’t have any gifts, talents, or abilities to offer. Well, God decided to use this month to crush this claim in a way that I would not have expected.
While in Guatemala I found myself teaching a class on morals and values for a week.
The topic for the week: potential.
I stood in front of each class to tell the students that each of them has potential. I would tell them that they are like a Lamborghini or a Ferrari being driven slowly. That car was very specifically designed and built with great potential to be driven incredibly fast, but by being driven slowly it’s potential is being wasted. I encouraged them to not waste the potential that God created within them. They need believe that it is inside of them and begin to use it. I also, used seemingly simple examples from my own life when I was young to help encourage the students. I gave up on things that I really did love because I saw someone else who was better than me at it or it took more effort than I was will to put out. The potential was there, but was wasted.
Part way through the week I realized that I was not teaching the students so much as I was teaching myself. God knew that hearing it said a couple times from others was not going to be good enough to get passed my thick skull and stubbornness. I had to vocalize it over and over, day after day about fifteen times over the week to begin to get it. God was yelling at me, trying to get me to understand that that very potential I did not realize when I was younger I can still realize now. It may look a little different, it may be a different ability, but the potential is still there; it always has been.
No more giving up on things and allowing fear to control me. No more trying to play it safe by claiming I have no talents or abilities so that I don’t have to risk failure when I commit to something. No more self-pity and no more excuses.
Journal Entry – March 30
“…it all boils down to the fact that I have been believing the lies that Satan has been telling me. I have been living in them and allowing the fear they have created to control my life. Fear has been a hot topic in the book [Wild at Heart] as it has been in my life. The unknown is not to be feared, but embraced. Grab the bull by the horns and live life. I don’t want to sit on the edge and watch the action, I want to be part of the action, create it even. The life of a Christian can not be governed by fear, but by faith.”
“The only way to live in this adventure – with all its danger and unpredictability and immensely high stakes – is an ongoing intimate relationship with God.” Wild at Heart
