Losing independence- the fight to stay in control

He has right to interrupt your life. He is Lord. When you accepted Him
as Lord, you gave Him, the right to help Himself to your life anytime
He wants.

-Henry Blackaby


There is a war going on in my soul.
Every inch of me is crying out wanting to be in control.  Have you ever
fought so hard to keep your independence? When I think of the great
battles of the past what was it all for? To gain independence and stay
in control.

So you might ask then what’s wrong with keeping a bit of independence
in your life? Well the problem is… if I am supposed to surrender
everything to God this includes my wanting to stay in control. He must
have every part of me.




This week I ended up getting very sick. 2am I sneaked out of my room I
share with 9 other girls and went to the weight room and there I was up
all morning being sick. I didn’t mind taking care of myself.  I was
thinking if I don’t take care of me who will?




Later, my team leader approached me and said that he found out that I
was sick from other people and that I must be the one who tells him
that I am sick. This is such a strange concept for me. I must tell
someone that I am sick why? Why must people know? Can’t I keep it a
secret and get over the sickness by myself? I have been taking care of
myself for 27 years, why must I let other people into my private life?




Then I was confronted with a question; why is it so important for me to
be in control? I still don’t have the answers to this. When I was sick
I could have just ask for help. I could have just told my team leader
but no I wanted to do it on my own.




Here is the thing I CANNOT DO IT ON MY OWN! I hate being vulnerable
with this but my old thinking must go! So as much as I am fighting to
stay in control I must surrender. Ultimately I will lose the battle;
Jesus has me surrounded on every side.