Can I tell you something? Can I show you my heart? Here is a peak of what God is doing. I’m broken and that is the truth.
I feel like my heart can explode at any minute and tears constantly form in my eyes. I have never felt such hopelessness, not for me but for this dying world that we live in.
While on the world race I have been wondering where is my passion? Oxford dictionary defines passion as a strong and barley controllable emotion. I began to recognize my passions when I lived with my best friend Melissa Gratz for a year. During this year she exposed to me the injustice behind the coffee industry. I watched a documentary called black gold and my eyes were open to the corruption of this world. I became adamant about doing something. I read books and a fire began to flame my soul. I had a new calling on my life a new mission was about to play. That this world is dead, and now is the time for Christ life to resurrect in people’s hearts.
The Lord continued to swell up these strong emotions and started to prepare me for his purposes and plans. And a year later the Lord brought me to the World Race.
Since being on the World Race I have seen many things. I’ve seen poverty, corruption, and lack of education, lack of water, lack of compassion. Instead of fueling my fire, it’s often been overlooked and sometimes I really didn’t care.
I was talking to Noe (my squad leader) last month and explained that I didn’t know where my passion was? While in the Philippines I was surrounded by poverty and it should have effected in me, there should have been a holy anger in my soul. Instead I had no empathy and went and did my job and left.
This is not the person I want to be! So now here in Tanzania I am on a journey of letting the things that break God’s heart break mine too. I am crawling back to his lap and waiting until I hear His heartbeat.
While in Thailand I wrote about how hard it is to pray and walk away. I met a young woman who was suffering with a illness. This was the moment God began to do something new in my heart. I felt an uncontrollable presence in me to pray and weep over this woman.
I am back in this spot again. I am broken. When I say broken it doesn’t mean that I need to be fixed. The fact is God is chiseling me apart. He wants me to be poured out like a broken alabaster jar and let the fragrance spill over the nations and over His heart.
Someone asked me once what is it like to pray for God? I never really answered that question but the truth is that it sometimes hurts. I often go through seasons where I desperately need to be in his presence and beckon his mercy. Other times I avoid it because to allow your heart to break is overwhelming. I am learning though that I cannot avoid God. I cannot run away from the call because eventually it will catch up to me.
There is this song that I love called “where you go Il go.� This song is simple but powerful. It goes…. where you go I go, what you say I say, what you pray I pray.
My hearts desire is to be used greatly by the Lord. I want brokenness to be a key in my life. It says in Psalm 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.�
I see a river of brokenness flowing from the saints as they pray. These prayers will enter the throne room of God and enter the nostrils of our great God. It carries such a sweet aroma, a fragrant offering in which our Lord will respond too, because such sacrifice is worth the price.
