Coming into this month, I wasn't sure what to expect…
Honestly, I never really am.
I just didn't know if I could do it again. After leaving Thailand (and THESE KIDS), I wasn't sure if I could pour out the same love to the people here in Malaysia or not.
I didn't know if I could give out the love to the people here that they deserve. The love they need. The love that has the ability to change lives forever.
It was during one of the restless nights starring at my ceiling fan that it all began to make sense to me on why I was having such a hard time…
I wasn't ready to let go yet.
The memories – which are forever etched into my heart – from my time at Remember Nhu are so fresh, not only in my mind, but my heart, because it was the first time in my life where I know that I loved uncontrollably and I loved like the Father. I wasn't frozen or scared with fear. I gave every ounce of love that I could with the understanding that it was the most vulnerable thing I could ever do.
To be able to look into the eyes of each child last month and see the innocence, purity, and beauty that was so close to being stripped away from whatever excuse of a man that would have ultimately taken it…it got me. It broke me into a thousand pieces and left me with zero ideas on how to become whole again.
The pain that none of them had to endure, somehow, and for some reason, I was able to feel it.
For the first time, I found myself grieving with the Holy Spirit.
Grieving not just for the children who endure suffering daily, but for the men who only know that way of lifestyle to prove their manliness to themselves and those around them.
With each emotion filled tear that streamed down my cheeks that night, God mended my heart back together through the power of restoration. With each tear, God gave me the closure I needed for the last season of life. With each tear, God filled me with the love I showed.
And with each tear, God gave me the realization on where I'm at in this journey…
That I'm finally learning to trust what is true, not just what is comfortable.
It's funny how sometimes it's easier to hold onto the familiar, and make it my lifeline even if doesn't satisfy, than to risk letting go in order to grab hold of something else that will.
It's the vulnerability needed that's always been the issue. But the truth is…if I don't let go – meaning I relinquish my grip on the false sense of security and comfort – I may never attain the true warmth and security of the Father's embrace again like I did all of last month.
And even though it took me twenty plus years to figure out, that's what I want. It's what we all should want.
In the process of more refinement, I saw how the people here are just as special as the kids last month. They radiate and shine. Whether it's Sah (who makes the BEST waffles known to man) or Joey (the absolute sweetest hostess at our local coffee-shop) or one of the many faces on the strip of buildings and stores who when I walk by yell 'hey' with the biggest wave to go with it..they shine. In their own little ways, each shines a light unparalleled in the midst of silent darkness and the strong Muslim reign of control here in Gua Masong…
…and it's beautiful…
…like the love of the Father. Like the love I'm going to continue and show these people. And like the love I'm going to show my kids one day.
So Father God, I don't know what you're going to do the rest of this month. But it's going to bring hope. It's going to bring comfort. It's going to bring truth. It's going to change the course of this city and these people for the rest of eternity. You have the power to do whatever you want…and I trust in that. I find my rest and peace knowing the battle has already been won here. That while it's illegal to speak your name at this moment, eventually every tongue in this city will confess Your name. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the foundation of something bigger than what I realize. Thank you for taking the refinement that I've walked through over the past four months and giving me and my team an opportunity to be a part of something that will ultimately bring You the glory You are after. I love you, Father.
In the past two weeks, I've gained over $1,000 of support! I can't begin to express my gratitude and thanks to all who helped make that possible. I still have a little ways to go to make my next deadline of ($15,500), but if 40 people gave $100 each I'd be fully funded If you feel lead to donate, you can do so by CLICKING HERE! Each and every donation will continue to go a long way in helping me share the love of the Father which those I encounter!
Please be in prayer for my team and I as we continue to build relationships in Gua Masong. While we are not allowed to speak of God openly in public, we are able to show the love of Christ through our actions. Lift us up as we tear down walls that have been up for years and continue to bring light to this city.
