As I get ready to start packing to leave I've found myself sitting and reflecting a lot on the last year of my life. Reflecting on the good. Reflecting on the bad. And reflecting on all the madness in-between. I've laughed and cried. I've been happy and sad. I've been angry and at peace. I've done it all…and I did it alone.
"Wait, what about your family and friends?"
About them, don't get me wrong…you see, I am blessed beyond measure to have the wonderful family and friends I do, but even with them by my side, I did this year alone. And I'm grateful for the opportunity God laid before me to do so.
For so long I spent my life looking to others when I should have just looked up to God. With every sleepless night I had staring up at the ceiling fan, I began to realize I couldn't rely on the things that others could provide in my life, but only on the things that God could provide. In Him I would find my rest. I would find my death. I would find my all. And that's how it should be as I continue to grow into the man He's called me to be. A man that isn't chained down from the past or the circumstances that may have surrounded me at times, but a man who is free in the love of Jesus to live out the perfect plan that He has set in my path. A plan that teaches me no matter the expectations I have about earth, that this place isn't Heaven.
There were periods over this year filled with tears, angry yells, and desperate cries out to God to just take me away. Take me away from the pain. The hurt. Everything. But He didn't. What He did instead was remain constant. He was always there helping me stretch. Always there to discipline me. Always there to hold my hand as I grew more and more in His truth as I came to the realization that this world I live in isn't the end destination, just a rest stop. While I'm here, I have a choice. The past doesn't have to my prison. I have a voice in my destiny. I have a say in my life. So why not do it to the best I can and get the reward of Jesus' heart at the end of it?
Simply put, it's not a lot of fun.
Being obedient and completely faithful to what God wants to do in your life isn't easy. It's rough. It's scary. It's frustrating. It's not glamorous. But it's worth it. So worth it. The freedom and grace you obtain from His love is undeniably indescribable. God rewards those who seek Him. Not those who seek doctrine of religion or systems or creeds. So many people settle for those things, but the reward goes to those who settle for nothing less than God himself. And what is the reward? What awaits those who seek God? Nothing short of the heart of God. And that's enough. That's enough for the rest of my life and it always will be.
So as I pack up pictures of loved ones into the boxes that sit on my floor, I drink my hot chocolate with a straw and reflect on their love. The memories we have shared will be forever etched into my heart. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for each and every single one of them. I appreciate them more than they'll ever know…but just like it was the last year of my life, this coming year has to be the same. They can't help me get to where I want to be. They can encourage me, but only Jesus will suffice. So I'm doing it alone…but don't worry, I won't be lonely.
“And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
– 2 Corinthians 12:9
