I was listening to a sermon podcast from a church in the States last month. I thank God for those because I can count the number of sermons I have heard in English in the past 9 months. Podcasts are my way of feeling more at home, getting filled up and inspired after a week of pouring out everything I have. While listening to this podcast the pastor explained that there are four voices we hear. We hear the voice of the world, the voice of our flesh, the voice of the enemy and the voice of the Holy Spirit.
When he said that I paused the podcast to think about that. Really, four voices?
Oh, he was right. Let me tell you about my thoughts the next day.
As I was showering with freezing water from a bucket, shampooing my hair for the first time in nine days(Thelma, you have your work cut out for you when I get home!) I day dreamed about the day when I can sit in the salon again and leave feeling like a Pantene commercial, flipping my hair back and fourth as it shines in the light. Or at least being able to run my hands through it.
That's the worlds voice, because if I am listening to the Spirit He tells me I can live this way forever because I have felt more alive with dirty hair, holding dirty children than I ever did in my cute jeans and my hair feeling soft and silky.
That night one of the girls was frustrated and it came out at me as she spoke, I could literally feel the words come to the surface, giving me harsh words to come back at her with. You know the feeling that you know exactly what to say to that person to hurt them. That is the enemy speaking, he tries so hard to keep us as Christians from living in unity together. He wants us to fight and let those thoughts of anger or resentment take over our day so that we are not living in love, unity, or living for God. It's the name of his game. Satan has had thousands of years of practice, but we can still beat him.
I can tell you, just because I am living with missionaries in Africa doesn't mean those moments never come up. Living in community with 7 people with 7 different opinions, 7 different theologies, 7 different comfort levels, 7 different ways of communicating… it can get messy. Just like our relationships, marriages, plans, work life, friendships and family. They get messy because we let those thoughts in, we let the enemy in.
The Lord warns us that Satan is crouching at our door.
So, if you really want to piss him off… beat him at his game.
I think I'm starting to find a little too much enjoyment in it.
I wrote how my flesh spoke to me that day, but right before posting this- something that became such a bigger struggle for me came up.
Today.
My flesh tells me that I want a beautiful big wedding to the man of my dreams in December. Beautiful white tents, a dress that I can only dream about, and a night that will forever be in my memory. My family has made the wedding of my dreams possible. But, is that really how Logan and I should start our lives together? The Spirit brought on a conviction stronger than any fleshly desires I have this morning after reading an email.
This morning I sat with a boy who I have spent the last month with, I was asking him about college. He explained to me that without a government scholarship there is no way he could go to college. He has the best grades in his school, is leading devotionals and chapel services for the entire school and is extremely talented in athletics… still a scholarship is out of reach for him. He lost both of his parents to AIDS after his father had an affair and infected his mother before he passed away. I asked this him how much college would be, he told me in shillings (Uganda's currency), an amount equivalent to $1000 USD. College would undoubtedly change his life.
I had this conversation just hours before reading an email about how my parents had set aside this money for me. Their love for me brings me to tears. How can I let them spend in one day what could change so many lives?
After this year can I really go back to my old dreams? Is that stewarding what He has given us well?
If this year has taught me only one thing, it is that God has blessed us and asked us to show others His love. I have learned that my life is so much more than just about me.
While in Nakuru I was standing in our open ceiling church, I saw a girl in the back by herself. I could tell that she had gotten my attention for a reason. It's the nudging feeling that you need to find out more. After the service was over I went and talked to her. Her name is Mary and she works in the IDP camp, teaching children from ages 5-12. My first question was how does that even work? She explained that there was no money for schooling and it was up to the families(who are living under tarps) to pay for their children's education. She said she volunteers and does her best to make sure every child is learning. She is my age and as we got deeper in conversation she said she struggles with drinking alcohol and hanging out with the wrong kind of people. Talk about a struggle between what the Lord had put on her heart and what the enemy was tempting her flesh with.
It was actually her first time at church, she had been invited by a woman she worked with at the IDP camp. Her and I got to talk for the next two weeks. I got to tell her how I struggled with the same things. She asked me what changed, and as I thought, I realized in that moment, that the lifestyle stopped being appealing when I realized how fulfilling a life focused on eternity is for me. Mary said she was ready to accept Christ, she hated how she felt after drinking all night and living in sexual relationships. The great thing about a life of sin is, eventually you just get sick of not feeling fulfilled by anything.
Now, that was the Spirit that pointed me to Mary. Knowing that my tattered past could connect us.
So after a day, now a month, of realizing that yes, all four voices speak to me, I listened to the rest of the podcast. The pastor explained that in order to always live in the Spirit we must silence the three other voices. It has been one month that I have been trying to silence the other voices, and I do have days where I fail. But, I have felt more awake, more in tune, more aware of what the Lord is trying to do than ever before. I have had crazy moments where He will give me discernment of what a person is going through, He will change a message I am about to give (probably, for one person in the congregation), and He has surprised me with a new calmness that lets me see a situation outside of my view.
I mean really, what could it hurt to try 🙂
