I have a confession to make…
As I write you all I am sitting in a Starbucks in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Google it and you will quickly find out the same thing I did. This doesn't look like the slums of Cambodia or the Orphanage in Thailand, it doesn't even look like the beautiful property in Nicaragua. We are in Chicago, LA, New York or some other huge metropolitan city in our very western culture.
When we flew in, I literally asked God, "Why on earth would You bring me here?"
But He always has a reason. Life on the World Race is never what I expect. This month has been realizing that my life in the States can look a lot different than it has in the past.
This month has been a challenge for my heart. We are living in a girls home with twelve girls from the ages of 5-17. They all come from rough backgrounds and place that only few can relate to, but these girls need love and discipline. They live in a small home with only a small space to call their own and so few of what I call nessessities. All twelve are from Indian descent and either don't have families, or their families can no longer take care of them.
The girl that has so much of my attention is Reetha.
She is sweet girl who wrote me notes and brought me flowers the first week we moved in. She would come and hug me telling me that she loved me after only a few days of having me around. She would smile, jump around, hide from me and sit next to me anytime I sat down.
That all changed.
This past week she had been acting much different. I didn't think too much into it, but did keep her in my prayers.
A few of the girls on my team said she had been up during the night acting very strange. I heard of a few instances where she was acting out of character.
Yesterday she left for her weekly counseling session. Elayne, the house mom sat down and told me that she has been stealing money from kids at school, bullying younger girls and hurting herself.
When Reetha returned from counseling I wanted to sit down and talk to her but, she wouldn't even look at me. I could see the shame in her eyes. She wouldn't look at anyone.
Elayne explained to me that she came from a violent living situation. She has become a product of emotional poverty. Hurting others has become a way for her to deal with her emotions.
Reetha got me thinking about how life here is more similar to the U.S. than to the poverty stricken countries we have been living. Here's what I mean:
One thing that Terri and I have talked about since I have been gone is the difference we can see between being in a third world country and being in the States. It's a question of material poverty versus emotional poverty. The truth is, it is easier for me to help with material poverty. In all reality, it is why so many of us go to other nations. I know that if I can help provide food, shelter or water that I can build relationships with people and talk to them about a life with Christ. People will come to Church or to Bible Study if we provide food or air conditioning. It's just not the same in the U.S. We are the country of infinite options. Poverty looks a lot different in the U.S. than it does in most other countries.
But what's on my heart today is the emotional poverty that we have in the States. Emotional poverty can separate us from God and others. It isolates. It contains. It condemns. It has the power to take away our appetite for life, take away hope and remove the will to live.
Psalm 107 says, "Some were sick from their sinful ways, and because of their iniquities endured affliction; they loathed any kind of food, and they drew near to the gates of death."
That verse explains my life from age 14-21 pretty perfectly.
I lived a life that looked pretty wonderful on the surface. I had good relationships, nice things, I loved to work out, got to enjoy nice vacations, and good restaurants. Some of you are probably saying that that sounds like a nice life. At one point I would have told you it was, but I wouldn't have been being honest with you. I lived a life that was void of any real love, a life that felt empty. I was more concerned with the way I looked and the things I got to do than I was about anyone around me. I was "sick from my sinful ways". I really was. I was constantly looking for something more or someone that could make it feel "right".
That "someone", that "life" that I was searching for was literally surrounding me from every side. It was my Mom. It was my Dad and Terri. It was Paul and Terra. It was Allison. It was Vanessa. It was Brenda. It was Ron. It was both of my Grandmas. It was all the people that God had put in my life through those years to point me toward Him. They all had something that I didn't.
My life started feeling more like a life when I realized that the only relationship I needed was one with our Savior. That He gave His son to die a horrible, painful death to redeem me. In Jeremiah the Lord says," I will put my law in their minds, and I will write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people."
When we sin, we feel it in our conscience. We tie ourselves to anxiety, stress, and anger. When we live a life that is so focused on our material well being that we aren't satisfied. That's why more is never enough. God put the law in our minds. We have known since we were young that a life without Him is not whole. That feeling that you want more… I know it too well.
I can tell you that I have been there and I have been here, and this is SO much better.
I can tell you that my life is so far from perfect. I have days that are hard, and moments when I wonder how crazy I was for signing up for an 11 month mission. But, I also have days that are the most fulfilling moments of my life. Deep conversations on life, God and eternity. Worship that lasts for hours and fills me with what feels like unending joy. Friends that hold love. A relationship with God that is above any material or emotional thing.
We are given the opportunity to receive salvation as a free gift (Ephesians 2:8-9). Through the life-giving Holy Spirit who lives in all believers (Romans 8:9-11), we can share in the inheritance of Christ and enjoy a permanent, unbroken relationship with God. Hebrews 9:15 says, “For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that He has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.”
We are the only ones who can hold ourselves down. I held myself down and wasted too much of myself on worthless things.
For the rest of my time in Malaysia I will be working to help Reetha understand those same things that those amazing people in my life help me to undersatnd.
Today, I just needed to tell you.
I love you all.
