what seem to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise
I have always had this genuine love and trust for others; I believe the Lord calls us to do this, to have genuine kindness for every person we meet. Someone who would be interested in others’ lives, that if I went to your home town or sat at your house that I would be interested in who you and your family are rather than what you can do for me. It’s on this trip that I have felt myself pulling back, not being as trusting of others, and honestly not wanting to get to know our host on a deeper level.
That was a hard thing to recognize and be honest with not just myself but with the Lord. To sit and ask for forgiveness for that fact of ignoring his people, and frankly disobeying the reason I was called to this trip, to love others. As I prayed I quickly came upon a common theme with my thoughts. Can I trust the people I meet to love me and consider what I say to be valuable? As the race has gone on I have started to shy and step away from being open because I don’t want to offend or upset someone. There is so much love in relationships, if it is family members, friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends, yet I have been desperately hurt and experienced desperate heart ache from relationships that felt right in the moment but resulted in deep hurt. I’ve burned bridges, hurt relationships, lost some friends, and I have honestly cried harder at the times of being broken up with then many other experiences I have endured. The death of a relationships can be so painful and I have let my fears run my life at times.
We meet so many different cultures, and It’s incredible so many different people with so many different upbringings, but it can also be super scary. In almost every country they have such drastic and different views from tattoos and drinking alcohol to wearing pants. I in no way am saying it is an excuse, I am just sharing how my brain has processed this, from the differences in my teammates, team changing, and dynamic just being different, to changing cultures every month. When I see my teammates pulling back and not being willing to be open and vulnerable I let my fears tell me that I need to shy away from being open, when that is the time I need to push into it the most. I shouldn’t let the past or how my teammates do something respond and reflect on how I respond. I don’t need to put up my guard and build a wall, that is a lie from the enemy that in all realness is what is going to keep me from building amazing relationships and forming some of the most amazing memories. I need to check my heart and I need to focus back and think Lord is this from you or am I acting out of fear.
When you have a source of life you can be a source of life, when you have a source of love you can be a source of love, if you lack a source you won’t be a giver of life you will be a sucker of life. If I am constantly living my life out of fear I will constantly be a sucker of life not a giver.
Are we leading a life
out of a source of
fear from the enemy
or a source of love
from the Lord?
