Now close your eyes, & please understand that you are still young, & the universe is endless, & somehow, everything will be okay.
I thought that I would start my blog by teaching you a little about me, one of the major reason I am the person I am today, & how God brought me to Him through it all. Know that this story isn’t an easy one for me to tell, let alone write to the world. Through it all I strongly believe that God was beside me every step of the way, loving me & teaching me so much.
When I was a little girl I never knew what it was like to have a “normal” family, with a mom & dad happily married who loved me unconditionally. I knew that when I went home I wasn’t going home to do my homework, play with my toys & annoy my brothers. I would go home to take care of a sick mother & a little brother, all the while internally fighting a battle that was too great for my understanding.
Now understand I grew up going to church from the time I was small, not because my mother told me to but because all my friends went & I wanted to spend time with them. I remember trying to wrap my head around this person called “God” & believing in Him, even though I was very much surrounded by negative father figures. How was I suppose to understand His love when my own father left, & my step fathers were both physically & verbally abusive?
Our mother was an amazing women, she was so strong & truly did love us. However, the few good memories are clouded by all the times she was sick with constant heart attacks, seizers, & migraines, leading us to the hospital more times than not. I remember being so angry with her for not being there, for not being healthy. I wanted her to be present in our lives. But she couldn’t & it took me long after she was gone to understand that she tried so hard & she did love us but couldn’t show it the same way other mothers did. Then she was gone & I couldn’t understand why. What was God’s plan in all of this? What was this suppose to teach me? Why was my life so different from all the other kids who seemed to have it so easy? If God was so mighty & loving then how could he let Andrew & I go through so much? Did He even love us?
Ten & fourteen are young ages to have to say goodbye to your mother, but that’s what we did. On December 2007 our mother passed away of a heart attack & was later pronounced brain dead, we then moved to Washington State from Ohio with our aunt & uncle. I am not gonna say it was easy cause it wasn’t, but life up until that moment hadn’t been any easier. I remember it hitting me, the reality that we would never get to walk downstairs to see her sitting on the couch or into her room & see her still sleeping. It wasn’t some bad dream, it was reality & I was to now face it or end it. There was a moment that I was so sure that God hated me, that I had done something wrong & I was being punished, all the pain up until that day just didn’t seem to make sense.
So many times I felt so overwhelmed, that it seemed to take over & engulf me. So often I thought of ways to end it. How simple it would be to finish the life given to me; & all too often God reminded me that I wasn’t just living for myself. Could I be so selfish as to end my life & leave Andrew, could I really do that to him? Yet all too often I would say that he would be better off without me, that I only make his life harder; yet time & time again God continued to say “You really think you make his life harder? That you leaving would be easy for him! He lost his mother Kendra, he is going through the same thing, except he is 10 & looking up to his sister. He is trusting in you to protect & love him.”
That isn’t a coincidence; I believe you were born for a reason little brother. We have had so many challenging times together & they have only brought us closer. You love me without judgment or thinking little of me. You encourage me to no end & tell me how proud you are of me. You know me inside & out. Without a second thought, you give me the crust of your pizza just because it’s my favorite. I hope you know that I think the world of you. I am so proud of the loyal, hardworking man you have become, one with incredible talent. I wanted to protect you, never wanting you to feel the way I felt, that I wasn’t good enough, or that I wasn’t going to amount to anything. I wanted to show you that it was possible to see the good even through all the dark times. I know God has always had footprint in our lives, I don’t think for a minute that you being born was an accident or just a coincidence. You were born to save me.
It is insane because that was exactly what you God where telling me, you protect & love me. You gave your son to save me & to guide my footsteps. I have never been alone & you have always loved me, no matter what.
Take my hand & I will protect you.
If you take a step back & look at the good, at all that you have been taught, & how to love others, even when it is so incredibly hard & unfair. Life will become easier; you focus on learning to love God & that through the challenges you have truly become a better person. I believe that God taught me what His love is through Andrew & the deep love & connection that we have.
Romans 15:13
* May the God of hope fill you with all the joy & peace as you trust in him, that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy spirit *
