I sit here and I know I want to tell you guys something, I know that there is something inside of my heart that God has done that could show you His face more in your own life. I know that deep down inside there is growth, there is love and there is grace. I know that.
But how do I explain feeling like your whole heart is broken and shattered but simultaneously believing that it has never been more put together and safe?
I have experienced new kind of pain here in the Dominican. Pain of full surrender to my King, to my team, to my squad, to these people and even to myself. It’s not easy to be incredibly vulnerable–especially in the places that genuinely hurt. Add on to that the desire to have control over situations and vulnerability sounds almost impossible.
I’ve spent years trying to get my heart together. I have spent hours upon hours trying to make sense of everything so that nothing went without a place in my life. It all makes sense. It all has a place. It all had purpose. I have thought numerous times about what it looks like to be put together, and it never looked like this.
My heart at this very moment hurts. It feels broken. It feels like it’s been abandoned. It feels like it’s lost. It feels like I just lost someone I love. It feels like it is absolutely out of control.
However, in this same moment, it feels home. It feels held. It feels found. It feels like I gained someone I never knew could love me. It feels like it’s finally steady.
I know you might be thinking how can it be like that?
Because I truly to believe in the most beautiful and raw way, I am actually starting to let go, and surrender my life to the Lord and my heart is actually truly being sewn into these people with utter abandonment and letting whatever happens–happen.
I have found love in the faces of people I didn’t know 4 weeks ago.
I have found hope in the faces of 5 girls who surround me daily.
I have found truth in letting go of the lies.
I have found grace by unclenching my hands.
I have found healing in knowing I am broken.
I have found a King sitting on a throne, by stepping down from mine.
I have found beauty in the ugly, raw, crying, heart-wrenching moments.
I have found freedom in the realization I had on chains.
I have found growth in the stillness.
I have found strength in my weakness.
I have found myself by letting go of who I thought I was.
This hasn’t been easy, but it’s been the face of God. Over and Over again.
So, after month 1, I have found that I dropped and opened up my heart, let it shatter and am about to watch the Lord put it back together again.
Stay tuned for the miraculous work He is going to continue to do.
And as you stay tuned, I dare you to crack open your heart a little bit and see where He waits for you.
